without you

it's time - 10

HEAVY TW FOR THIS CHAPTER

Chapter 10 playlist: to my parents - anna clendening, saline solution - wilbur soot, jubilee line - wilbur soot, paralyzed - nf, happiest year - jaymes young, hold me while you wait - lewis capaldi, my tears ricochet - taylor swift, as the world caves in - matt maltese, fire on fire - sam smith, listen before i go - billie eilish, today today - jack stauber, goodnight - toby fox, half a man - dean lewis

George didn't sleep that night. He thought about every word said carefully. Meticulously tearing through his memory and looking at the hurtful memories the most. At this point, George no longer had any tears left in him. He felt numb. The only time he didn't feel numb was when he thought about the words his mother and Dream said. Then he felt pain.

He broke his promise. He's going to abandon me. He lied about it.

There were plans for George, Dream, and Sapnap today, but George didn't want to go. At all. He wanted to die. George was heartbroken. He didn't know how to deal with his feelings. He wasn't going to tell Dream that. Instead, he walked outside his door and found Dream and Sapnap ready to leave.

"Bud, are you going out in your PJs?" Sapnap said with a chuckle. That didn't break the tension.

"I'm not feeling good, I think something at the cafe upset my stomach." George replied.

"Oh, damn." Sapnap replied. "Well we can stay, no big deal."

"No, go." George insisted. "I already called a cab. It should be there any minute now."

Dream walked toward George and got close. As close as they would get before George found out he lied. He backed away.

"Hey, I really am sorry about last night." Dream said.

"I know." George said coldly. "You don't have to apologize."

Sorry can't save me now. George thought.

"I love you." Dream said.

"You too." George replied.

Sapnap and Dream said bye and walked out the door. George was alone in his apartment. Just like he was before. This time it was furnished with pictures that he put up for someone. Someone that lied. George took all the photos down.

What am I doing here? George thought. The person who was my will to live is a liar. He's going to abandon me. He probably never loved me in the first place.

George walked to his small bathroom and opened a drawer. Inside was a locked compartment. He searched the drawer for the key. Once he found it, George inserted the key into the lock and twisted it with a click. He opened the compartment and it was full of paper. Paper with letters. Notes. Suicide notes. George searched through all of the notes and found one that still applied.

The note was addressed to George's mother. All of them were. Because George had never had to write a note to anyone else that cared about him. But now, there's someone else he needs to write a note too.

George went into his bedroom and picked up his notebook from under his bed. He sat down on his bed and grabbed the pen on his nightstand and began writing. George scribbled a doodle in the bottom corner. He tore the sheet out and taped it to his bedroom door.

George's phone buzzed. It was a message from Dream.

dreamwastaken: text if you need anything

George ignored it. Instead he went to play a song. A song familiar to him. He pressed play and the familiar tune played. George listened carefully to the words.

My mother said I'm too romantic

She said, "You're dancing in the movies"

I almost started to believe her

Then I saw you and I knew

He started to cry. The music played, but George could barely hear it over his own sobs. I do believe her. Because she's right. George turned up the volume.

'Cause when you unfold me and tell me you love me

And look in my eye

You are perfection, my only direction

It's fire on fire, mmm

It's fire on fire

George couldn't listen any longer. It made him sick. He turned the song off and stared blankly at the wall and thought to himself.

It's time. I can't be a pussy.

This wasn't George's first rodeo. He walked to the bathroom and opened up the mirror. There were multiple bottles of pills. George had been prescribed some of them in the past, but most were over the counter. He grabbed a few bottles and placed them beside his sink. One by one, he opened them and poured two of each in his hand. George then put them in his mouth and turned on the sink and knelt down to take a sip from it.

George then went to his bedroom and grabbed his small black box from under his bed. He ran back to the bathroom and opened it. The blades were still there. George started to hesitate. Maybe I'm just being over dramatic. He started to close the box, but then he thought of what his mother said.

"George, this proves to me that you need to go back to the institution." His mother said angrily.

"No. I'm happy. Why would I go back if I'm happy?" George replied with the same tone as his mother.

"I just explained this to you! He's not going to make you happy forever!"

"He promised!"

"He's gonna break his promise. You can't trust people with your burdens."

George started to tear up. He opened the box and took a blade out. He promised, George thought, He lied. George put the blade to his skin and took a deep breath. He inserted the blade as he exhaled. George gazed at the cut. It was deep and blood was dripping out. That felt... relieving. George put the blade back on his arm and cut once more. He cut, and he cut, and he cut until his arm was covered.

It was around this time that the pills kicked in. George started to feel loopy and dizzy. He was giggly and started laughing out of nowhere. Man, this is fun, He thought, I could use a drink. George stumbled to the kitchen and reached into his wine cabinet. He had never actually used the cabinet for alcohol; Dream had bought some while they were out. George took a drink from the bottle.

George had the urge to listen to more music. He pulled out his phone and put his playlist on shuffle. The song that played was not one George wanted to hear, so he skipped it. The new song was much better. George set his phone in his pocket and took another sip of the wine. He took another and another and another. Then, He started to walk around, stumbling. George listened to the lyrics.

Count your teardrops, all hundred-fourteen of them and sing

Count your teardrops, all hundred-fourteen of them and sing

Today, today

Is one of those days

It seemed like the green light burned out

And where to begin

Just doesn't fall in

Forget what your move was about

George sloppily swayed to the beat. He couldn't even comprehend the lyrics at this point. His mind was gone. George started stumbling to the bedroom, giggling like a maniac. However, his vision started getting blurry. He couldn't focus. He started to lose balance. George felt his knees turn to jelly. He tripped over himself and fell, breaking the wine bottle under him. He laid there in Dream's hoodie, feeling glass poke through to his skin.

Then he closed his eyes and said goodnight.