Single Dads

17. Affirmations

Buck thought he was doing better with new things now. He was even starting to notice his persona in public was no longer as shy giving himself a feeling of absolute dread and terror or the constant thought of somebody taking him or his son. He now had confidence and happiness.

He now had his wheel of new things, along with a daily affirmation he had to include into his day. He hated them, which he realizes is why he has them, he lacks the positivity, but he hates them.

Especially today's that has him trying to avoid a breakdown as he gave up on drinking his morning tea after reading due to the nausea that hit him.

'I am thankful for my past and how it's shaped me today'

He wasn't thankful for his past, he'd never be thankful for his past. He shook his head his hands beginning to shake as this was the first time he genuinely could not do what was asked of him.

He threw the stupid sheet of paper causing his child to pick it up confused and hand it back to his father.

"Daddy I take this off?" He pointed to the cast on his arm.

"Yeah I'll take you after work."

Carla arrived not too long after and Buck shoved the paper into his pocket taking his things and going to work. How was he supposed to accept this into his day?

He skipped breakfast at the station worrying his entire team, but he couldn't care less at the moment he was pissed off. Way to angry to sit around the table and pretend to be okay.

The first call went well, but after that it was bad. A kid drowned in a lake before they arrived. They couldn't save a jumper, and then couldn't get an entire family out of a burning fire the mother not making it.

By the end of everything Buck had lost his mind. He suppressed his tears until he got off the truck and immediately darted ahead of everybody to the locker room. He emotionally started taking his gear off when the team arrived.

Then he couldn't hold in the sob building in his chest.

"Buck what's going on?" Bobby questioned. Buck placed the top of his forehead against the cold lockers and hugged himself by crossing his arms tightly. He rocked side to side the cold metal against his head.

Bobby touched his shoulder gently causing Buck to spin around quickly flinching away. "Don't touch me." He said in a desperate yet serious tone.

Bobby backed away along with the whole team besides Eddie. Buck was so distraught in his mindset and processing he felt lost.

"Yo Buck why don't you sit down." Eddie tried to gently coax the man to the bench but Buck wasn't budging and Eddie knew he couldn't touch the man. "Buck you with me?"

Eddie watched Bobby lead Hen and Chimney out of the locker room for proper privacy.

"Buck? What's going on?" Eddie asked again feeling himself falling into old habits.

Buck slid down the lockers until he was seated on the floor with his knees to his chest. "Just a bad day." His breath staggered as tears fell.

Eddie gave a sympathetic face. "Bad days are okay."

"Like a really bad day. Nothing is going right, and I can't do my work."

"Work? You're at work doing just fine." Eddie said to assure the man he was doing enough.

Buck shook his head. "No my work." He emphasized taking a fortune cookie size paper out of his pocket and handing it to Eddie in an emotional manner.

Eddie read the paper aloud confused. "I am thankful for my past, and how it's helped me today?"

"I can't-" his breathing picked up.

"Breathe, what does this mean?"

"My work. It's my daily affirmation I need to complete with my wheel of new things." Eddie cocked his head to the side happy, curious, and concerned. "I've been trying so hard, and I just cannot believe that." He threw his arms up in frustration.

"I'm happy for you Evan, you're really doing a good job. The team and I have noticed your improvement. I'm happy to find out it's real."

"It's real." Buck said glancing into Eddies eyes with vulnerability. "I've been trying, and pushing myself. It's nice to feel something other than terror."

"So this tiny slip of paper has got you all worked up?"

Buck sighed. "Kane's arm is broken, he won't sleep alone anymore, I cannot do my affirmation, all our calls have been bad, I don't think I can handle anymore today."

"Kane's arm is broken?" Was what Eddie answered with full of concern.

Buck smiled, if Eddie could have any reaction to his words he said the right thing, he put his son first. "Wrist. He had a flash back in his sleep. I didn't wake up, we just broke up I was a nightmare. He fell backwards onto the glass table." Eddie almost gasped. "Yeah, I woke to him screaming in terror for me to help him and save him. He had no idea what happened. Now he won't sleep anywhere but in my bed in my arms."

"I cannot believe you didn't tell me he was hurt."

"We weren't talking. We weren't-aren't together." Bucks voice shook slightly as he naturally calmed down.

Eddie sighed. "I'm still here for you. I still care about you. I still love you."

"I love you too." Buck admitted back. Eddie smiled warmly, he wanted his Buck back. "I don't think I'm ready yet." Buck continued speaking surprising Eddie. "I'm still having a hard time with contact, and I'm still having a hard time with self appreciation."

"The affirmations."

"I'm quite negative about myself." Buck crossed his arms. "It was really bad. You were right to leave me, I was dragging us both down."

"I wish it didn't get so serious, the important part is that you are improving and you trust and know yourself well enough now to know your limits. Thank you for not leading me on to get hurt."

Buck frowned at Eddie for thinking he was rejecting him. "Will you wait?" Eddie looked at the man hope glimmering in his eyes. "Will you wait for me? I don't want us to be over, but I don't want us to do this wrong again."

"I'll wait." Eddie said with a smile. "No matter how long that wait is, I'll still be here."