How We See It

Chapter 1

"It will only be for a couple months," she had told me. "Then we'll find a home, settle down, and you can start fresh at a new school for your last year."

And I know she's trying to do what's best for us so I try not to feel upset. But now that my eyes are focused on the flickering Sun and Sanders Inn sign hanging high up on top of the building, I realize it's almost impossible to not break down and cry. 

I grip my phone in one hand and carry a duffel bag in my other, which weighs down the right side of my body. Me and Mum will bring the rest of the bags and suitcases in once we're checked in and have our room. 

The automatic doors make a whirring sound as we near them, and I immediately take in the arrangement of the lobby. Four red armchairs circle a small, glass table, and another setup mirrors this across a walkway. A container of water- the kind where you push a nozzle- and Styrofoam cups are sitting in the corner by the check-in desk. Against the wall stands a vending machine with chips, packaged cookies, some crackers, and various bottled drinks. The elevators are straight across from the doors and a plant on a polished wooden table separates them. Glossy linoleum covers the floor beneath the worn down red carpet I'm standing on. The hallway behind the chairs most certainly leads to a pool, conference rooms, and hopefully an arcade or something, but most likely just a pool and a conference room or two.

As soon as we step up to the desk a man enthusiastically stands up from his chair and holds out his hand. "Ah, Ms. Marais and Ms. Marais! How are you lovely ladies doing today?"

Mum shakes his hand and replies, "Good, and you?" in the most positive tone she can manage. "And you can call me Leigh. This is Anabel," she says, gesturing towards me. 

"Well Leigh, Anabel, your room is ready. I'll grab your keys." He rummages around on his desk before grabbing two cards and handing one to me and one to Mum. "I really hope you enjoy your stay here," he says with so much sympathy I'm almost sure he knows what else had happened in our life. 

Mum is a travel nurse, so I have been to 15 states over the past few years. She told me that she is hoping to officially move to Florida after what happened with Dad, so this may possibly be our last stop. Our travels are usually fun and exciting, but this year has been different. 

"What floor?" I ask Mum as we step into the elevator. 

She presses a button on the wall. "Seven."

The ride up is silent and the walk to room 731 is even more silent, if that's possible. I scan my card on the door and it clicks, a circle around the scanner glowing green. I take a deep breath as I push open the door, and I feel slightly more cheerful at the fact that the room is fairly big and decent looking. My first thought was how expensive this must be and why we couldn't get a house instead, but then I remember Mum telling me Mr. Sanders gave us a much cheaper rate for a large room after finding out that Mum's a travel nurse, despite Mum's objections. She practically begged the poor guy to give us a cheaper room, she felt guilty accepting the offer. Mr. Sanders told her to take his offer or he "wouldn't let us stay." I remember her smiling over the phone and thanking him over and over again. 

Sun and Sanders Inn isn't huge and fancy, but it's a great hotel for travelers and visitors, especially in the sunny state of Florida. Actually seeing the room in person helps lower the dread of staying here all summer. It's really not all that bad. Two full size beds, a kitchenette across from them, a bathroom at the entrance, and a small living room closed off behind the beds definitely looks better than it sounds.

My therapist tells me to always find positives in negative situations, but she also told me I was confusing my sadness for boredom so I don't know what to believe anymore from her. But at the moment I feel proud at how easy it was to just slightly lift my mood after walking into the room. 

"So, what do you think?" Mum asks me after gently closing the door. I can tell she is worried about my response. 

I turn to look at her. "It's actually really nice. I'm not just saying that, either. It kind of feels like one of those tiny houses, but a bit bigger."

Mum lightly chuckles at my comment and she releases her built up tension. "I still can't believe Daulton gave us this room for such a low price," she mutters more to herself than to me. "So I was thinking we can order a pizza for tonight and unload the rest of our stuff tomorrow. There's The Market right around the corner. If I call it in will you pick it up?"

I nod. "Yeah. Pineapple?" I joke, hoping her taste buds may have changed in the past month.

But Mum scrunches up her face. "Absolutely not. Pepperoni?"

"Hmm," I think. "How about just cheese?"

Mum pretends to ponder for a moment before she answers, "Deal," and grabs her phone. 

I'm hoping The Market's pizza tastes like the pizza from home, but when my stomach rumbles a few moments later I don't care much anymore about the nostalgic taste.

"Hey, Anabel," Mum calls before I leave, causing me to freeze and turn around. "Meds before you leave."

I roll my eyes. My least favorite part of the day is taking my meds. It's such a chore and I'm sick of shoving tasteless junk into my stomach. But of course Mum forces me to take them knowing I would ignore the daily routine otherwise. "I'll take them when I get back."

"No, now before you forget," she demands, setting them on the TV stand. 

"Mum, I don't even have water," I complain, desperately just trying to leave now. I know that I have to take them; and I will, really. I just have to mentally prepare myself enough so I am prepared for the feeling of rocks slowly squeezing down my esophagus. And it's not like I just take one- I take four (and a half) total. One full tablet and then a half of one for depression, another pill working alongside my antidepressant, a decent sized tablet for my anemia, and for the next week antibiotics four times a day for the infected cut I made on my arm. I didn't want to tell Mum about my arm, but it was oozing and very painful so I really had no choice. My intrusive thoughts have been telling me to kill myself so I won't have to bother with these damn capsules anymore, but it's obviously a ridiculous thought and I often have to tell my brain to shut the fuck up. 

"Then go get some!" Mum digs through her duffel bag and stands up with a small handful of pills. "Anabel! Now!" 

I groan, but swallow them with the hotel's complimentary water bottles, then make my way out the door. It shuts behind me, echoing across the hall, which makes me scrunch my face in embarrassment. Hopefully no one is out in the hallway; the last thing I want is to be the annoying hotel neighbor. I pass a young couple and smile at them as they roll their suitcases behind them, the wheels making a satisfying whirr on the shiny floor. 

I wish I was happy and on vacation, I think, but shake my head to try to push the thought aside. Maybe I can pretend to be on vacation. It might work for a little bit, but I know that I would soon be missing the traveling with both Mum and Dad and also wishing that Mum wasn't working as much so we could still spend time together.  

Before I can press the 'down' button on the elevator, it dings and the door slides open. I make eye contact with a boy as I awkwardly lower my hand. His eyes scan my face, and he looks down, his face suddenly red. He's still standing in the doorway and I don't want to be rude, but I'm not quite sure how to tell him I need to get in. Fortunately, he seems to suddenly remembers where he is and rushes off down the hall, slightly hitting his forehead a couple of times with his fist. He continues down the hall taking a left at the fork. I stare at his back the entire time until the elevator doors close, and the whole situation scared me enough that I hope I never have to see him again.