Loud Silence (A depression story)

Chapter Four

They say there are five stages of loss. The first being denial. At the time, I refused to admit that I would be subjected to such a process, but perhaps that was the denial speaking.

The morning I woke up to dust filtered light pouring in through the wooden shutters, the cool morning air hitting my exposed flesh as I lay still above the blankets, staring blankly at the wall. My eyes had become unfocused, staring, but not seeing. I wasn't present, not in the slightest. My mind had wondered off to some far off darker place some time around two in the morning.

I pulled my tired, stiff body up into a sitting position and pushed my hair out of my eyes, willing myself to gather the energy to make it through the day. It was like I was on automatic, moving robotically. Doing what I needed to, but not entirely sure why it really mattered. What was the point?

The first thing I knew was part of my morning routine was to shower. So I shuffled out of my room, holding my arms close to my body for warmth. I could get the heating upstairs working, but really, I couldn't be bothered. The heat of the shower was all I needed and soothed my tense muscles.

It was sometime after I closed my eyes to rinse shampoo from my hair that my mind wandered off again, this time to a far more painful place. Flashes of Skyy's sweet face; a smear of blood on this cheek and his eyes staring forward, forever unseeing. Images of his pretty fair skin torn open, becoming stained with red.

A scream tore through my lips as I stumbled backwards out of the shower, the shower curtain wrapping around me and tearing as I fell with it, collapsing against the sink. The feel of cold tiles and air hitting my previously warm body brought me back to reality, gasping and flickering my gaze around frantically. He can't be gone. It's Skyy. He would never do this to me.

Walking down the stairs that morning, I could hear the sounds of my parents quietly conversing in the dining room. Stepping carefully to avoid any squeaky floorboard, I crept up to the entrance and leaned against the wall as I listened in to their conversation.

"No matter how we explain ourselves, they're going to blame us," Mother sighed in irritation, not sounding remotely like the grieving mother she should be.

"Well, figure it out. Your kid's stupid stunt could really damage my reputation and I can't afford that right now," Father spat, the sound of his chair screeching as he stood and stormed away, coming towards me.

When he saw me standing there, I could see the annoyance in his eyes as he spoke, "Don't answer any questions today at school. Go there and back, and don't you ever fucking act as ungrateful as your brother. I'm counting on you to not be a complete and utter idiot, you hear?"

I nod, letting him pat my shoulder and walk past me, when all I truly wanted to do was throw him down and choke him for speaking so poorly of my brother. This was all his fault! Both of them! It was everyone and their stupid ignorance. None of them saw the beauty in Skyy like I did. They just kicked him over and over until he fled this world and now I was lost and alone and it was all their fucking fault!

Angry burning hotly in my veins, I grabbed my bag tightly over my shoulder and stormed from the house, ignoring my father's protests. I walked by the car, pausing and wondering for a moment what the hell I would do once at school. Once I saw those assholes who ruined my brother. Once people stared at me with pity. Asked questions that I could not and would not answer.

A growl slipped past my lips as I ignored my want to just run back upstairs and lay in bed for the rest of my life as I threw my bag into the car and shut the door behind me. "School."

"Shouldn't you stay home? I'm sure the school will understand you taking at least a day or two to grieve your loss, sir." Matthew pressed.

I shook my head. "My parents couldn't care less. Grieving won't bring him back. May as well face the shit storm now, nothing could hurt me any more than I already am."

With a soft, sad sigh, he pulled out of the driveway and onto the road, following my orders simply because he had to. Not because he wanted to. Skyy always played nice with Matthew. I'd never been a people person though, despite the popularity. But, that was handed over because of who I was, not how I was. Skyy made friends because he was an attractive person. Not even just appearance wise. He had this way about him that drew people in and made them love him. I was never like that. I would never be like that. I'd never find someone like that again in this life time.

Once I was at school and stood at my locker, waiting for my so called friends to arrive, I felt like a zombie. Not even really alive, just moving and somehow existing. Breathing was robotic, but I wished I wasn't. How simple it would be to just stop and disappear. Go in search of my beloved brother in the comforting dark that was death.

My girlfriend Alicia bounces next to me, pecking my cheek, but I don't react as I normally do. In fact, I don't react at all. It doesn't seem to faze her though, because she just turned and started flirting with Brent as he and Jessie walked up behind me. He flirts back and I found it slightly comical that my girlfriend and apparent friend acted like I wasn't even here. Truly, for someone popular, I'm not even treated like it. All I am is an image, but my real self is so deeply hidden, I may as well be the nobody, the outcast of the school. I mean, the spot did just open up.

My frown worsened with that thought as I slammed my locker shut.

"Whoa. What's got you so tightly wound?" Jessie asks, raising a brow at me.

Alicia chuckled, "Macy just texted me. Did you guys hear about that weirdo from yesterday's lunch period? Turns out the loser killed himself."

Brent snickered and came around behind her to read over the text as well as I just stared forward. See, thing is, no one really knew of my relation to Skyy. After he came out as gay, our parents had made us switch schools. To a place where no one knew who we were and they could have the school keep his last name confidential. Skyy was never there on class photo day, and the teachers never called on him in class. No one bothered with him. If you didn't look for him, you'd probably overlook his existence entirely. He was kept a secret from the media that followed our family so well that he once told me he wasn't even sure he was real half the time. Just a ghost flitting through the halls, crying for help, but no one noticing him. No one bothering to try and notice him. I was slowly beginning to understand.

I couldn't stand to listen to my 'friends' laugh about how pathetic my brother was. How cowardly he was. The way they spoke of his death, as though they were saying 'good riddance'. What had he ever done to them!? Nothing. He did nothing! He was beautiful and perfect and amazing and he deserved to shine but he was never given a fucking chance. From the very start, he never had a chance. Did he? What did that say for me? Am I any better off? Or am I just another version of the same song?

My lungs felt heavy and I began heaving for air as I practically ran from the school. Fuck this. I couldn't be there. I couldn't look at that bathroom door that I'd walked through and found my brother injured just yesterday. I couldn't look at the hall where he gave me that final hug, where he spoke his last words to me. I couldn't stare at that exit that he passed through, out into the warm afternoon air as he left me for the last time.

As I began turning around the exit gates of the school, I bumped into someone just lighting a cigarette. His black mop of hair hung in his eyes slightly, hiding his pale icy blues that stood out against his fairly tanned skin. His lips turned down in a frown as he looked down at our feet.

"Man, watch where you're going! You almost stepped on my cig," He scolded, leaning down and picking up the dropped cigarette from next to my foot.

I blinked and pulled out of my daze as I wiped at my eyes, which I'm sure were rimmed red with the effort it took not to cry, "Sorry. Hey... uhm... think I could get one off you?"

He looked me over before sighing and tossing me the rest of his pack, "You look like you need them. I got spare pack in my car anyway."

I nodded and thanked him before pocketing the smokes and continuing past him. It was just as I was a decent distance down the street that I heard him shout after me. I turned back and furrowed my brows questioningly.

He frowned and I could see a certain sadness in his eyes as he spoke, "I'm sorry about your brother."

My eyes widened slightly and I didn't know what to say, so I just turned my back on the stranger and quickly walked away. I didn't know how he knew about Sky, or how he knew he was my brother, but whoever this man was, I had the strangest feeling I'd be seeing him again. Possible sooner than I'd like.