Loud Silence (A depression story)

Chapter Six

Looking back, I like to compare my life to the Domino Effect. You know those elaborate set ups where the fallen pawns create an image, but you can't quite tell what it is until the last has fallen? I imagine my brother's death was the trigger, that first domino to fall, the one that set in motion a series of complete bullshit events that would inevitably lead me to where i am this very moment. This story being the finished image, waiting for that final domino to collapse so that it may be revealed.

It was a Friday night when I came to a couple realizations and along with those realizations, I metaphorically watched a couple more dominoes fall into place, causing the next to waver, balanced precariously on its edge.

I'd just gotten home from school and was more than prepared to go upstairs and follow the routine I'd become quite content with; Come home, go upstairs, smoke, nap, smoke, shower, think, avoid breakdown by smoking, and then either stay up all night thinking some more, or pass out until morning.

My parents had other plans for me today though, apparently. Just as I began climbing the stairs, I heard my mother's sharp, insistent voice call me down into the dining room. Withholding a sigh she would surely hear and scold me for, I descended the stairs and lazily entered the room only to be met with the judgemental stares from both my parents.

"Good Lord, you look like you haven't slept in weeks," My father said, scrunching his nose at my appearance.

If you only knew, i thought.

"I've had trouble sleeping is all. What do you need me for?" I said respectively, despite my intense want to just walk out of the room.

My mother quickly dropped the caring mother look and pursed her lips, "We're having guests for dinner, and you are to attend this one. They're bringing their children over, both are around your age so i expect you to be on your best behaviour and make a good impression. Mrs. Lantagne can be such a priss, and always boasts about how perfect her kids are. I've had enough of that bitch looking down her nose at me."

I wanted so badly to roll my eyes. She's so concerns about looking like the best family around when her own som just commit suicide. It's as though they're more than fine with overlooking that detail and pretending he never even existed. It made something stir in me.

"What will you say when they ask about Skyy?" I say through gritted teeth.

My mother hardly bat an eye before speaking, "Simple. He was rebellious and no matter how hard we tried to get him help, we couldn't pull him away from the drug scene and he accidentally overdosed. It's tragic, and it broke me heart, but he's in a better place now."

"So you're going to lie? We all know Skyy wasn't on drugs! He-"

"Enough Damien!" My father scolded, causing me to automatically retreat and cower slightly. "Go get ready. We will call you down when the guests arrive."

With shaking hands balled into fists, i turned and quickly exited the room, breaking into a run as soon as i was out of earshot and ran straight to the top floor, slamming the bedroom door shut and collapsing on my bed. My heart was gunning from the anger i felt as I whipped out a cigarette and slid it between my lips. I needed the stress relief, and this was the best I had. Sex would be better, but god knows i wouldn't lay another finger on that girlfriend of mine. Who knows how many sti infested guys she's been sleeping with lately.

I mean, my brother is dead and she hasn't even texted me or asked me about it at school. No, her idea of being the comforting girlfriend is hooking up in the janitor's closet with one of my 'friends' between periods, thinking I didn't notice.

Walking into my bathroom, avoiding looking at the red stained clothes still balled up in the corner. My eyes instead diverted to my reflection in the mirror and if I found my self able, I'd probably laugh at how awful I looked. My eyes had dark shadows beneath them, giving them a sunken appearance. My skin looked pale and my hair dulled. Now that i think of it, I haven't been eating too well lately either. No wonder I look practically zombified.