Dear Jack

Chapter Two

Today was not a good day. I'd woken up from maybe two, three hours of restless sleep. My mind would not shut up. I had a million thoughts running wild through my mind. I had thoughts about my letter to Jack. I had thoughts about Tom and his car wreck. And I had thoughts about him. Well, it's more constant nightmares and flashbacks rather than thoughts. I'm just glad I can go see my psych today.

I got undressed and turned on a hot shower. Steam encompassed the ensuite almost instantly. I feel like I need to wash away these awful feelings, burn them off my skin. I can't shake the feelings of helplessness, worthlessness and deep sadness. Maybe if I step into the burning water those feelings will wash away.

As I stepped into the shower, the heat almost took my breath away. The searing water dripped into my caramel hair and dripped upon my face. I let the water wash over my eyes and my lips and down my body. I began to breathe the water in lightly, giving myself a sense of struggling to breathe, as if I were drowning. I do this to bring myself 'back to life'. Struggling to breathe properly gives me a new sense of being alive, although I'd prefer to take Tom's place.

...I let the salty tears rush down my face with the scorching water. My wracked sobs make me choke on water. I miss Tom so much. He didn't deserve to die. I need my brother here with me. He kept my mother happy. My father was so proud of his achievements. He had the best friends and looked after me. We don't know why Tom drove his car into a tree.

I blame myself really.

I choked on the hot water again which bought me back from replaying memories in my head of him. It's been three months but I still can't help but feel a void grow bigger within me. Tom was such a big part of my life and the longer I am existing without him, the black hole within me grows bigger and consumes more of me. But I have to be here, for him.

It wasn't long until I had opened my shower door and reached for my bathroom cupboards. I fumbled through to the bottom where I kept my razors. I brought it back into the shower with me and carved some bloody necklaces across my upper thigh, ruby beads bursting upon my leg. The water at my feet turned bright red almost instantly. Immediately my pain began to run out of me, releasing pressure and discomfort that ravaged my insides. The searing hot water over fresh wounds hurt so good. The stinging sensation told me I was alive. The blood washing away was the pain was leaving my body. I've missed this control.

I'd promised Tom years ago that I'd stop. I promised him when I turned 18. And I did stop, I did recover. Tom kept me in line, he taught me better coping mechanisms and eventually talked me into seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. I'd actually gotten rid of all my razors and my cuts eventually healed and faded into light white lines.

But Tom is no longer here looking out for me anymore. I feel like I can't be strong without him. And so, I relapsed. 3 years clean of self-harm all wasted. I know that Tom's spirit is still watching over me and I know he'd be disappointed in me but I just don't have the strength anymore to deal with life on my own. I feel so good yet so awful.

But I can't blame all of this on Tom's death though.

///

I was greeted by my psych, Dr Eve, with a radiant smile like always. A cheery "Good morning, Alex" beamed across the room. I kind of always liked that she'd always be cheerful and smiling even when I feel like my world is falling apart. As a scrawny depressed teenager, I'd always hated those who were outwardly happy and wouldn't keep it to themselves, it made me so god dam angry. But Eve was different. I kind of welcomed her smile. I guess I've learned to accept others happiness over the years.

I dragged myself into her office and throw myself onto the couch in the corner of the room. Although I feel nothing but numb right now, I could still feel the searing pain of the fresh cuts upon my jeans as I lay on my side. I tried to hide my wincing from Eve but I think she already knows.

I'd barely even let her shut the door before I began to whimper. Light tears trickled across my face as Eve sat in front of me. She looked at me with warm eyes. Eyes that tell you that you're safe here, you're safe to show your emotions and you're safe with me. They remind me of how I felt so safe with Tom.

"We're missing Tom today, aren't we?" Eve asked me with an empathic tone. She could see that I was hurting, in more ways than one. I nodded lightly and buried my face into the pillow whilst I grieved some more.

"You're disappointed in yourself today, aren't you Alex?" Eve asked me. She caught me off guard. She was so upfront about it. But I kind of liked that.

I nodded into the pillow and took a deep breath in. 'Stop crying Alex, just stop crying' I told myself in my head. I eventually composed myself and sat up from the lounge, wiping tears off my face with the soft sleeve of my jumper; Tom's old jumper.

"I can't help but feel like I've got this great big void inside me. Every day without Tom feels like the void grows bigger. I know that his spirit is still around and looking out for me, trying its best to keep me strong but I am so weak. I continually let him down". I wanted to cry again but I don't think there's anything left in my emotional tank.

"And how are you letting Tom down?" Eve asks me. I know that she's alluding to a particular thing but she's going to make me say it.

"I can't stop hurting myself Eve" I pressed out just above a whisper. It pains me so much to say It and that's exactly what Eve wants me to feel. "I promised Tom that I'd stop when I was 18 and I did, I'd stopped for nearly three years, but since he died I've never felt strong enough to stop myself. There is just so much pain inside me and I know you've helped give me coping techniques but they're not the same". I sighed heavily. My body felt heavy with the weight of all these emotions.

"And how does it make you feel right now?" Eve asked. She leaned forward in her chair to bring herself closer to me, but she does it in a way that is inviting and warm and as if she could wrap her arms around you at any moment to give you a hug.

"well... I feel two ways about it. I feel so much better for letting the pain bleed out of my body and being able to control that release but ultimately, I feel awful. I feel like I've let down Tom. But like a small inkling inside of me also feels like I've let myself down too" I explain to her.

Thinking about it, I've never really thought about how all of this makes me feel. I didn't realize I feel like I've let myself down until I admitted it out loud to Eve. Oh god, what an awful person I've become.

"I'm glad to hear you admit that, Alex. I'm really proud of you" Eve smiled. I loved hearing her say that. It made me feel so good inside for a small second. "But Alex, I want you now to focus on that awful feeling. I want you to focus on how you feel like you've let down Tom, focus on how you feel like you've let yourself down. I want you to really hone in on that feeling and really remember how you feel. Can you describe how you feel in more detail?"

I closed my eyes for a moment trying to feel that gut wrenching feeling. It was so difficult. I don't want to feel like this. But I know I have to.

It's really weird right now, everything I am feeling. I feel as though I'm battling with my younger self with my adult self. My older self knows that I need to do this therapy to heal, and I know that I can heal, I've healed before. I've healed from many experiences and I've grown. But the younger Alex in me, niggling at the forefront of my mind, is asking me what is it all worth? I've healed before but I keep falling down and we end up back here. Back to square one, cutting and burning ourself. Soon you'll stop eating and start drinking again. My younger self highlights how much control I had when I was hurting myself and drinking. I controlled how much pain I was in and controlled how I released my pain. I controlled everything. How incredible I felt.

But I knew in my mind that my younger self was wrong. These feelings seem so irresistible at times, and yeah sometimes I may cave in, but I know that's not who I am now. I have to go through more pain in order to grow again.

"Eve, I feel like shit". I swallowed. "I'm battling myself"

"That just tells me how much you've grown and how much you've learned Alex. We're going to work through this again, and it will become easier. You're going to be okay Alex".