Dear Jack

Chapter Ten

Dear Alex,

As you would have guessed I somehow received both your letters. I understand one of them one of them was meant for me and the other was just a way for you to release your angst but I'm glad I received both.

I'm writing this letter as something tangible for you to keep. I want you to keep this letter for whenever you may need it, for whenever you need a friend and reminder of your worth in this world.

...and because I enjoy writing these letters to you. However, I write this one from my bedroom at my parent's house which I now recognize to only be a few blocks away from your house. Call it fate...

I'll be happy to discuss more about my career and your aspirations but I would love to do so over a cup of coffee or two if you would allow me. You sound like a wonderful person Alex and I want nothing more than to get to know you more in person than over ink in letters that take forever to arrive.

However, I want to tell you this. I understand I barely know you but I just know in my gut that you are a wonderful person with big dreams and an even bigger heart. The world is blessed to have you in it.

You mentioned in your letter to me that you wished you had the same strength and determination as myself but I can already tell that you already do, just as much as I do. Your first few letters and your 'fake letter' have shown me that you have faced significant challenges with the loss of your brother and the unfortunate outcome of your most recent relationship and the subsequent struggles but your being here, still living and thriving everyday shows me that you already possess a considerable amount of strength and determination.

You can't see strength like yours in a mirror Alex, but I can see it, and those who deserve to can see it as well. Alex, your struggles are painful, there is no denying that. What you have been through is significantly traumatizing and being within such a short timeframe would have knocked anyone else down but you keep getting back up, you keep soldiering on and you keep trying to live your life. You have a great potential Alex, I just know it, and although it may be buried deep within you, I know you know it too.

The weight of everything can sometimes become too much but its important to understand there are others around to help lift that with you, just as Tom did his best to. I understand that our thoughts wreak havoc on us and can put us into a black box without a door and tell us all these hurtful lies but there is always an escape. I understand our bodies become so pent up with pain so much that it aches and that there seems to be no way to release it than with a razor blade but our voice is our release. I understand that our minds feel as though its permanently engaged in fear mode, a constant need to look over your shoulder but there is an off switch. I want to let you know that I will be there to help carry the weight whenever you need me to.

My job challenges my men and I every single day, and I've experienced trauma and loss more than any person should and whilst you think I'm trying to compare us I'm not. I've seen the strength and determination it takes to move forward from those situations and Alex I see the same strength within you. Plain and simple.

I want you to keep this letter, Alex. I want you to use this letter to remind yourself that you are strong and determined for when you don't believe it yourself. I want you know to know that I believe in you. I want you to use this letter as reminder that there is always someone else close by to help carry the weight when you need it. I want this letter to remind you that the world is blessed to have you in it, that those who you surround yourself with are blessed by your soul. You have a good heart Alex, never forget that.

-Your friend, Jack.

Friend... I read the letter for what feels like 110 times over. I tried to let his words make their way through my brain and heart to convince myself what he is saying is true but I'd managed to build impenetrable walls. I want to believe that was Jack's letter says is true but a force beyond myself holds me back. Jacks letter literally contradicts almost everything I believe in. There is no strength within myself. I do not determine to do anything other than exist.