Trigger Warning: Sexual abuse and suicide. Read at your own risk.
Bliss is fleeting and the sorrow endures. It should be the other way around, but this is just the inevitable truth of life.
They say, in order for one to feel happiness, they must discern the touch of pain. Yet this pain made me hinder of knowing what happiness feels like. Was it not enough? What sorrow must I go through in order to finally feel even the barest minimum.
I used to question myself why emotions seem so hard to understand. At the age of 13, I blame puberty for my confusion. Kahit meron si Papa noon, at kahit buo pa ang pamilya namin hindi ko lubos mawari kung ano ba ang nararamdaman ko. The indifference was suffocating. I was always neutral. Always in the middle. That there's a small void circulating all over my body.
When my father died, I was introduced to sorrow and guilt. The void eventually grew and grew, it became a part of me that I couldn't seem to shake. I thought the suffocation from indifference was the worst feeling already, but this agony made me hold my breath.
I was busy reading a book when I got annoyed with my classmates' obnoxious murmurs. Wala na akong maintindihan sa binabasa ko dahil sa ginagawa nilang ingay. Para silang mga bubuyog na 'di mapakali. Kaninang umaga pa sila maingay at akala ko 'pag nagsimula na ang klase ay tatahimik na sila ngunit hindi pa rin. Why do people like to stick their noses on other people's business? What do they gain from that? Entertainment?
"Wow, Paulo Coelho... I love him, too!" A voice from behind startled me.
I sighed and closed my book. "Not today, Lorenzo." I took my book and my bag at tumayo na. I just want to read in peace, I should've left when the Professor announced that he won't make it to class.
"Saan ka punta? Uwi na?"
I sighed again. Bakit niya na naman ba ako sinusundan?
"That's your 34th sigh today. Oh wait... 35th. May sakit ka ba sa baga?"
"No wonder why I felt like a creep was watching me the whole time," bulong-bulong ko sa sarili, sapat na upang marinig niya.
"Hey! I am not creep. Your sighs were just too loud, parang ililipad lahat ng tao sa room."
I glared at him. "Oooh, I feel like a cute kitten wants to fight."
"You're too loud why the fuck are you following me? Again." Singhal ko.
"I am bored."
"I am not some sort of an entertainment when you're bored. Get the hell out of my face."
"Grabe ang harsh naman, Ma'am." He held on his chest as if he's in pain. Inirapan ko nalang siya at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.
"Alam mo kung bubuyog yung mga tsismoso sa classroom, ikaw naman parang lamok."
"Pogi ko namang lamok." Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. He was smirking like an idiot. My eyes darted to his braces. Hindi tuloy maalis sa isip ko kung ano ang itsura ng ngipin n'ya noon kaya naisipan niyang magpalagay ng bakod.
He's tall. Like tall-tall. Maybe 6 flat... he told the class before that he's half-canadian kahit wala namang nagtatanong. 'Pag titignan mo siya parang walang dugong Pilipino, not until he open his damn mouth.
"You are fucking impossible."
Maingay rin sa hallway. At first, I found it normal since it's a hallway. Ngunit nang marinig ang mga salitang binanggit rin ng mga tao kanina sa silid ay 'di ko na maiwasang magtaka.
"Lorenzo."
"Yes, love?" He said in a low voice. I guess he's not mocking me since his attention was pinned to his phone.
