TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE AND SELF HARM.
I wish to stop breathing for a second. I want my heart to stop beating and my brain to completely malfunction.To finally welcome the warmth of death's embrace and rest in its harbor. Would I still feel this unending agony?
I remember my mother asking me, "Aren't you afraid of death, too?"
To tell you, Mom, I am terrified. I am living in the lair of fear for a very long time but whenever I step outside knowing I might end up being dead somehow gives me a pat on my back with a recognition for my courageousness. To barely exist with the weight of pain makes dying more and more terrifying. When death wields its last blow will it give me a satisfaction or a much more agony? And when that happens, what comes after? What if there's a lot more pain after death? It bothers me every time; holding me back. But at the very back of my head, a faint, scarred voice cries, "What if it isn't? What if it's peace?"
Being torn between life's beginning and end is one of the world's biggest tortures. I used to pray for new beginnings, but if this lifetime gives me a wasteful days of just mere existence then I'd rather choose death.
My thoughts and actions might be a catastrophe to what I truly feel, but it still couldn't completely eradicate the fear lingering inside me.
Minulat ko ang aking mga mata. Sinalubong ng madilim na kalangitan ang aking paningin. Yinayakap ng liwanag ng buwan ang malungkot na gabi. I stared at the brightest star bedazzling among the stars scattered above.
Eight years ago, after my father's demise, a bright, big star appeared in the night sky. I remember crying so hard because my father didn't break his promise after all.
"Papa, the school asked me to audition for the female lead for our school's play!" Maktol ko sa ama nang makapasok ako sa sasakyan namin.
"That's great, anak!" He said while busy fixing my seatbelt. "Oh, bakit ang haba ng nguso mo?"
I look at him in disbelief, as if he just said something unbelievable. Well he just did! "Papa! Alam mo namang ayaw ko sa ganyan, 'di ba? At isa pa, Grade seven lang ako. Andami-daming mas magaling, more promising than me. Why pick someone who's too inexperienced?"
"Then that will give you experience." He shrugged.
"You don't get it, Papa. Malaki ang event na 'yun. Plus, may mga imbitadong importanteng tao." I explained. Nakatingin lang siya sa 'kin na para bang hindi pa rin siya satisfied sa rason ko. I sighed. "There's this band from school na sobrang sikat na ngayon, and this pianist na nagperform na sa iba't ibang bansa. Imagine watching those pro artists perform tapos biglang meron ako, an amateur. I would definitely look like a clown there! I'll ruin the show."
Saglit siyang napatitig sa 'kin, kasunod ay ang kanyang malakas na halakhak. "My Oriana, you're really amusing." He patted my head and then gave me a soft smile. "Maybe you're just overthinking it, anak? You're a genius yourself, also a fast learner. In no time you'll act like a pro, too. They saw that in you, kaya kahit hindi ka pa nakita sa larangang iyon, naniniwala silang magagawa mo."
"Touché." I heaved a dramatic sigh. "Being a genius is indeed difficult." I wiped my imaginary tears.
My father let out a hearty laugh. Hindi ko na rin napigilan ang mapahalakhak. "See? Oscar worthy acting!"
"But to be honest, it really is exhausting. People expect me to excel in everything as if I am perfect. I am not pressured, why would I be? You never pressure me so bakit ako magpapaapekto sa iba? I couldn't care less, but I just hope they stop doing that. Hindi lang para sa akin pero para na rin sa mga kagaya ko. There's no such thing as perfection, we all have our weaknesses. People don't get that."
