Naabutan ko sina Mommy na naghahanda na para sa hapunan. Sachie, her five year-old son, waved his hand at me.
"Ate! Daddy cooked my favorite sinigang na hipon!" Malaki ang ngiti nitong sambit. He looked like my mom and I just find it quite disturbing because I looked like mom and my father, too. Naiinis ako sa tuwing sinasabi ng mga tao na parang magkapatid talaga kaming buo dahil sa pagkakahawig namin kay Mommy. His mere presence disgust me, ganoon rin sa tatay niya.
"I had dinner with my friend," 'ka ko matapos balingan ang bata.
"You have a friend?" I stopped on my tracks when my mother's husband, Robby, talked. I didn't know if he was mocking me because of the smile plastered on his face.
"Why? Am I not allowed to have friends now?"
"Oriana." Banta ni Mommy, she took a deep breath and continued. "It was not your f-father's intention to offend you. We're just shocked and glad that you have a friend now."
My blood boiled from her choice of words. It took me seconds to processed what she just said in my face, maybe I heard it wrong this time.
"Kain ka na muna... 'di ba paborito mo rin ito?"
"I only eat that when my father cooks it." I gave emphasis to every word I spit so he would get what I'm trying to say.
"Opo nga, Ate. Si Daddy nagluto," Sachie butted. Oblivious of the heavy atmosphere between me and his parents.
"Well, your father is not, and will never be, my father."
I sounded so immature and I genuinely hated it, but right now I am just on my fucking limit that I would dump my anger to a mere, clueless child without hesitation. My chest feels so heavy and even though I am not sensitive, and rarely cry, I might bawl my eyes out in front of the people who lavished hatred and pain in my heart.
"Oriana." May pagbabanta sa boses ni Mommy.
The side of my head throbbed painfully and I tried to swallow the lump in my throat; the words that begged to be spoken.
I clenched my fist and watched the three of them. I looked like an outcast— like I don't belong here. Bakit parang ako pa ang hadlang sa pamilyang ito? Bakit tingin ko ako pa ang dumagdag? I am the original family but I feel like I am a hindrance to a beautifully perfect one.
They're better off without me and I don't want that. I want to see them suffer like how I rest in agony. I want to leave and let them be but at the same time I don't. Maybe I really want to watch them stand in the same page as mine, or maybe I am just selfish, or maybe I just seek attention. I don't know...
Matalino akong tao pero bakit hindi ko mahagilap ang sagot sa bawat tanong na bumabagabag sa 'kin? Wala akong makitang solusyon sa mga problemang ito. I could not even see a clue... it's all blank.
I tried to calm the raging explosion from my chest. Pilit kong pinakalma ang mabibigat kong paghinga. It's no use screaming or throwing words infested with anguish. It's no use at all because it won't change a goddamn thing now.
I left them with nothing but silence. Habang palayo nang palayo ang hakbang ko, tila ba mas pahina nang pahina ang lakas sa aking mga binti. I want to lay in my tub filled with warm water. I want to erase all these negativity I attracted today, though that's impossible since it was imbedded in the core of my mind already. If I couldn't get rid of it, I just hope to find answers.
Nang marating ang silid ay mabilis kong hinubad ang bawat saplot na tila bitbit ang bigat ng mundo. I went to my bathroom and sat on my tub, mindlessly watching as the water fills it.
