Anonymous

•Chapter 1• I'm NOkay Phoebe

"I don't want a-anything. I don't w-want guys. I don't want a-a life. I don't want f-friends. I don't want food. I d-don't want anything it's all too m-much!" I screamed at Phoebe, my really close friend, through the phone. She groaned. I can imagine her cocking her head and scrunching up her face. "I-I'm s-sorry, it's just t-that-" She hung up. Ugh. I'm really not sure I can keep this up. We were best friends last year, but ever sense I started cutting and tried to commit suicide and getting really depressed it's like it's a turn off for her or something.

*two months later after not talking to Phoebe*

I looked down at my phone after it buzzed a few times, expecting a text from my best friend Roonie, or my best guy friend John. But when I looked at the screen, it was the last name I would ever expect to see pop up on my phone. It was Phoebe. Oh no. Please no. Why now? She can't try to come back. I don't want her back. She left when things got tough, and I wasn't letting her back just to have that happen again.

I picked up my phone and put my thumb print in, silently begging to not see a long apology letter. And I didn't. But I saw something else that made me immediately wish it had been an apology letter instead. She told me, "Everly, I know how you felt now. Just depressed for no reason. Cutting, for literally no reason!! I'm sorry for pushing you to do things...and I'm sorry for making you feel bad because I worried too much..." (Can I just say I have billions of reasons to cut, but she never listened so I never told.) Then she sent a picture of the outside of her wrist... With 11 little scratches. She continued on, "Yeah I'm aware it's not much, but it's a start. I wanted to start off slow for my first time. I totally understand you all the way 100% now Everly! I know what you mean by "it takes my mind off of things" I know what you mean by "it's addicting"!!! I couldn't tell you what's wrong with me, because I honestly don't know....and I decided to cut the outside of my wrist because I wanted it to tell a story....I wasn't sure if I'm hurting on the inside or outside....but people can see when you're hurting if it's shown on your outside appearance ....so I decided to cut on the out side." Attention-getter much? But back to what she was saying, "I feel like a punk for not cutting deeper and bigger but I'm not used to the feeling yet. And my parents keep waking up. I'm taking the pain....I deserve it...you and my boyfriend are the only ones that know....and I'd like to keep it that way. I just wanted to say I now understand & I apologize for maybe pushing you out of your comfort zone." Well crap. Did I influence this? Gosh I hope not. I don't think I could have if its been two months sense we've talked to each other. With now knowing this I decided to confess to her how I've been the past week or so. I told her, "I'm sorry Phoebe. But no one can help me anymore. I'm gone, far to gone. But promise me you'll save yourself. Please Phoebe I'm begging you don't become the monster I've become. I never told you because you left me and I didn't think I was worth your time. I never said anything because I HATE when you're worried and I didn't want to get a counselor and I don't want my parents knowing. I don't want a stupid councilor giving me information that they probably repeat 10 times a day to different people. They went to SCHOOL to tell me what they would. If someone wants to help me they better give me some real shit. I fucking hate councilors. They don't get it. They just don't. They'd be wasting their time on me and I'd be wasting my time, which I don't know if I have much more of nowadays. I tried to commit suicide 3 times last week." At that I broke. I couldn't handle talking about it like it was nothing, because it was everything, but Phoebe wouldn't know because she left, I wish she hadn't but she had, and because of that I can't talk the same with her. And now she's like this? Things will never be the same.

*three days later*

Phoebe texted me again today, she told me something that really surprised me. Because it's totally out of character for her. She said,
"We can be as depressed as we want together but as long as I don't end my life promise me you won't end yours? AND I WILL NOT PUSH YOU ANYMORE EVERLY. But promise me you will tell me anything and EVERYTHING RIGHT WHEN IT HAPPENS" I really didn't know what to say... Like "okay yeah! Let's be depressed buddies and tell each other everything we hate about everything!"? I mean, thanks for the offer but you kind of let me down before and I'm not about to pour my soul secrets out to you only four days after we've made up. Thanks but no thanks. Plus I have a best friend, and it's not her! She's well aware of that. So is the rest of the world that pays attention... Which is like no one but that's besides the point. So instead of saying all that and being mean, but honest, I decided to reply with a simple "Okay, I will." End of conversation.
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PLEASE READ: Hey guys! So this is just an authors note kind of thing. I'm not sure if I'll be doing them after every chapter just because I find them annoying sometimes when I'm reading. But I figured I should say something sense it's the first chapter! I just wanted to let y'all know that this is based of a true story, which would be my story. Yep, it's about my life and my friends (which I don't have many of so it shouldn't get too complicated). Everything I'm writing will be close to the truth. And if anyone ever needs help or advice I AM HERE FOR YOU!! Just message me and I'll be sure to answer, don't be afraid to ask for help!! I love you all & stay strong <333

-C A L M
(I decided I'll sign off with whatever emotion I'm feeling after my authors note! :P)