Maybe Before Today

Chapter 8

Nothing else interesting really happened that week. Lex and I had pointless discussions about meaningless things; Ziggs questioned me on my mental state; I lied. A normal week. At school, at least.
But my house was just weird. It's like all week something was brewing. And at the weekend it finally bubbled over, resulting in an unbearable two days. It all started with me being extremely anxious and my mum being a dick. It then became my dad coming to my defence. Then it became my parents arguing over my mental health. Then it became my parents arguing over god knows what.
On Saturday, when I would usually wake up around eleven, I woke up at ten to what sounded like two metal things clanging together. In my barely-awake state, I assumed it was two swords colliding. I had been having some strange dreams. But, since it is likely my parents were not having a sword fight in our kitchen at ten am on a Saturday, I later decided that probably was not the case.
Whatever it was, the point was that it woke me up. But, when I tried to go back to sleep, a shrill voice I could only identify as my mother's was piercing my ears.
"You're far too lenient with her! You always have been. You-"
"Oh, I'm sorry for having a little compassion for my daughter."
"Compassion my ass. You just like letting her get her way."
"You think that's what she wants?"
At that point, I lay on my front, pulled a pillow over my head and felt my lungs start to go numb. I was supposed to get the weekend off of feeling anxious. But no.
"No! We need to talk about this! What exactly is it that you think I'm doing, Bill?"
"Well, you've been-"
That was all I heard before the words started to blur as they hit my ears and I realised my breathing had become uneven and I felt like I was being strangled. I removed the pillow from over my head, assuming that it was not helping the situation and sat up. Leaning back against the pillows, I pulled my knees to my chest and let my face fall down into them. My hands tingling and my face damp with tears, I curled into myself and tuned out everything going on around me.
I must have fallen back asleep again, since, around an hour later, my dad came in to wake me up.
"Alice, sweetie, it's nearly lunch time. You might wanna get up." He sat on the end of my bed as I groaned and sat up.
"What were you and mom arguing about earlier?"
He immediately looked guilty. "I was hoping you hadn't heard that."
"How couldn't I? And what was that noise?"
"Oh, your mum was trying to make breakfast and she dropped the frying pan."
"Well it woke me up."
"I'm sorry, we didn't mean to wake you."
"I know, I know, it's fine. So, what we're you arguing over?"
"It was nothing, it was just a little disagreement-"
"A little disagreement over how to handle your lazy, attention seeking daughter who always gets her way?"
He looked down uncomfortably. "You know I don't believe that. And she doesn't mean it-"
"Yes she does. You don't say something you don't mean as frequently as she says that."
"Well she's wrong."
"Is she, though?"
"Alice." He shuffled slightly closer to me. "You know it isn't true. I know it isn't true. You can't let her get to you."
I sighed dramatically.
"Now, do you want something for breakfast?"
"Little late for that, don't you think?"
"You want an early lunch?"
"Where's mom?"
"She went out."
"Okay, yeah, I'll come down and see what there is."
"I already made pasta."
"Okay. Yeah. I didn't really want to move out of my bed."
He laughed. "Fair enough. It's been a busy week, I'm not surprised you're tired."
And by busy he meant I'd been anxious through all of it. It was actually pretty uneventful.
"I'll bring it up in a minute."
"Okay. Thanks."

That day, my mom got home around eight, after my dad and I had already had dinner and we were watching a movie. The same time she usually got home on a work day. It hadn't always been like that. Up until a few months before this, she would be home a couple of hours after me. It was getting later and later and neither my dad nor I knew why.
But, when she got in, she quickly and curtly said 'hi' to me before running off to the kitchen. She didn't even acknowledge that my dad was there. But he didn't say anything about it. I guessed he didn't want to put me in the middle of their marital drama. And, much as I was a little curious, I did really appreciate that. I don't think it's necessary for me to say who's side I would have taken - well, already had taken - but I like that he didn't try to involve me. My life was chaotic enough, what with school, friendships, etcetera.

Sunday started off much differently to Saturday. My parents went to church, I stayed in my bed and Ziggs called me whilst I was watching TV. Their call was a welcome distraction from my thoughts which completely drowned out the TV.
"Hey, Alice."
"Hey, Ziggs."
"You don't sound too happy."
"Sorry. Mom's still being a dick."
"Oh. You wanna come out today?"
I knew for a fact that they were expecting a no. They knew I didn't like going out anymore because I got too anxious, but they still asked anyway. And I loved them for it. But, I realised, being at home was making me anxious that weekend. I would probably feel better if I just got out of the house. So I did something that surprised and mildly horrified me.
"You know what? Yeah. Yeah, what do you wanna do?"
"We could just go a walk into the woods?"
"Sounds good. When should I meet you?"
"Half an hour?"
"Sounds good. I'll just leave a note for my parents."
"Okay. I'll see you soon."
"Yeah."
Half an hour. That wasn't enough time for the panic to set in. Reluctantly, I let myself smile as I got up and pulled on a black and pink skirt with a black knitted jumper. I laced up my black Doc Martens, instantly realising that was a bad idea since we were waking to the forest and the shoes weren't fully broken in. But they looked so good with the outfit. So I just did the stupid thing and kept them on.
I went down the stairs, found a post-it note and a pen, then I scrawled on it 'I'm out with Ziggs. Don't know when I'll be back' and stuck it to the unit in the hallway so they would see it as soon as they got home.
Then, for the first time in I didn't know how long, I walked down the crescent to meet Ziggs just to go out for the day.