Not Today

Who Am I?

So why am I writing this?
Is this a suicide note? Not necessarily, I thought of suicide since I was young, maybe that's why I never acquired any skills because I thought I'd be dead by the age of 13,16, and 27 isn't going to be suicide but I think I might be dead by then.
I thought I'd kill myself, but when you're slowly dying you're like okay, I can't do this now because everyone is involved now and I could never do that to my mother, she'd be so lonely.
I always thought when people say, suicide just gives pain to others, I found it to be annoying. Oppressing, if anything but now I understand I guess.
So, maybe this is my cry out for help, or maybe it's also just help for someone, maybe one person across the world will relate to me and maybe it'd be helpful for them.
I don't share my thoughts with anyone usually, so I will do it here.

Maybe someone will find it funny, annoying or just helpful. It'll be nice for me anyway.
I've always liked writing, maybe me being sick is a way to take me back to my old hobbies.

My name is Ally, It isn't my real name because I want to stay anonymous at least until I'm courageous enough.

but not today.

My morning today was rather unpleasant, the day overall was overwhelming.
Perhaps it's the mood swings from MS.
I didn't sleep at ease, I woke up at 3am and my eyes hurt and so did my left hand, so staying in bed was boring. Eventually I decided to wake up and made some tea at 3am, decided to be on the computer til I felt sleepy.
I decided to be lovey dovey with my boyfriend, sent him the "I love yous" and all nice words. I thought maybe if I showed him how love is, he'd reciprocate.
He disregarded the messages the next morning.
He just asked why I was awake? It hurt.
I mean, I guess I craved warmth.
I had warmth, with M.H.
He's an ex. The one that got away.
It was online, the relationship; but he fully accepted me for me but I wanted something present, something that held me.
Funny enough, although my current boyfriend is here, he never held me enough the way I needed to be held.
M.H was a beautiful soul, I miss him daily. I'd take him back in a heartbeat but we both needed healing to do.
So Anthony is an old soul, he's a caregiver.
He's all, I'm no ears but I'll try to fix your problems and that's love.
Sex is boring with him.
Deep conversations aren't a thing, his idea of deep conversation is just fucking.
There's nothing to the relationship, I wanted to end it so many times but he never seems to wanna give up.
It's like when he realizes he might lose me, he holds onto me tighter and I guess I'm attracted to him.
I wouldn't say I love him, he's not what I think of a partner and I'm not a Saint.
Maybe that's why he doesn't wanna be 100% with me, I mean I did cheat on him.
I mean he's always treated me like shit, said racist stuff thinking it's funny.
Never treated me like a friend, never heard me.
I remember, this one time I opened up to him and told him, I wanted to kill myself when I was younger.
His response was, "did you do it vertically or horizontally?"
I said, "vertically."
Him, "you should've done it horizontally."

It's not an excuse for cheating on the guy, but I felt like I was never enough for him, also there was this girl involved, he always hid her away from me.
She mattered to him.
They'd talk constantly and she was his friend or whatever you might wanna call it.
So I figured I'd do the same thing.
I met a guy, he was nice, treated me nicely for once not. And not just like a foreigner beast like my boyfriend did.
I liked him, kissed him.
I could've dated the guy but he was a bit out of it, a bit too hasty and creepy and I just liked the attention and not the guy.
He proposed to me and I obviously rejected him.
My boyfriend found out eventually.
I felt bad, but he forgave me and for that, I liked him.
Forgiveness was his way of showing that he loves me.
I still don't believe his love at times though, I crave more intimacy, more warmth.
I mean, I rarely get I love you messages.
I miss you messages.
You mean everything to me messages.
Maybe I'm just not over M.H and I look for him in every person.

I guess, from this, we know that I'm insecure.
I also crave attention.
I'm selfish.
I'm not a good person to some extent.

Good that we've the basics out of the way.

Eventually I managed to fall asleep, around 7am.
Woke up around 11am to no cute messages. No love.
It was disappointing.

I had to fix my diet so I was planning what to eat because apparently you need healthy diet in order to be healthy and flourishing.
My mom is worried sick about me, calling me 5-10 times a day.
Family and neighbors sending me healthy wishes.
I hate it all.
People just do that to feel like they contributed, like they did good.
I feel bad for my mother though, that woman is a tough rock. God bless her.
Eventually I go take my shots and the iv's, my voice is quiet because I'm tired and I barely speak the language, the receptionist doesn't understand me, which further frustrates me.
My brother doesn't know how to explain it to her because he doesn't even know what it's called.
Eventually I take my shots and all that stuff, it was a rough nurse, she makes it so painful all the time and I was annoyed..
My brother comes, it pisses me off at times. He acts all wise and unbothered.
He tries to help.
During my IV, I broke down. (1st one for the day)
I was frustrated because I can't style my hair the way I want to.
Everyone just moves on with their life while I've to worry about shots and not dying on my mother.
My brother is just there because he doesn't know how to make it better.
For that second, I wish the world ceased to exist.
I get over it quickly. I don't like crying in front of him, we've fun relationships where it's just jokes. He tries to help, but I just don't want anyone to see me that way, sad and vulnerable.
Also the fact that he's half brother, doesn't help.
I finish up at the clinic, we get our groceries and my brother cooks for me, something healthy.
Some recipe I found online.
I hated it.
It made me sad.
It was sad because I enjoyed food but that's also slowly being taken away from me.
Eventually, my brother tries to make it better.
He brought some sushi, fries and nuggets, I was a happy bird in that moment.

We were watching a romantic movie, I liked the love that was in the movie, I obviously can't feel anything down there now.
Which is sad for the boyfriend and maybe I should just rid him of the pain of staying with me.
The movie just made me feel warm, loved.
All I feel now is sadness. Nothingness.

I asked my brother "what makes you happy?"
He said, "being with people."
He then asked me the same question and my answer to that was, "making jokes with him"
I broke down again, because I've no social skills, no friendships and it was sad because the only thing that made me happy wasn't even honest.
I mean I have fun with him and it's nice but it's just me masking the pain and fear I feel of the future so I just joke. He accepts my jokes but they're just a mask.

But overall, it's a nice day.
I organized some tasks I had to do for university, I don't know when I'll do it but I'm getting there.

For now, I'll end the night with some affirmation.
It's from tiktok but I liked it.
I don't chase, I attract.
What belongs to me will simply find me.
I'm so rich and so lucky.
I'm doing well in school.
Everything works out well for me and the universe is by my side, all the time.
I radiate love and others reflect love back to me.