Not Today

MY HAIR IS RED

Today I decided to dye my hair red it was impulsive but i wanted to do something.

I thought maybe if I looked prettier outside I can feel prettier inside but I went to a clinic the needle hurt my vein.

I was excited to dye my hair so I did it I got a red color. it's did redder than I want it to be but I don't mind it.

I still feel the same way, empty.

my boyfriend was so caring today, it was so unusual.

it felt nice, he was actually holding me and trying to help me stretch and when I broke down, he was sweet.

he even played with my hair and cuddled me.

I liked it, but am I problem?

why do I seek validation so much? from him, and from everyone.

but I'm okay tonight. neck pain is less since I slept without pillow.

I hope whoever reads this, is warm and cozy.

I should probably start doing my university tasks but I just can't seem to focus.

I also had an unpleasant conversation with my mother, she just keeps talking about God and how He will heal me but it's so tiring. I had to tell her that it's not going to go anywhere because there's no cure for it. she cried. I wish I could make the pain stop for her.

I feel like a failure, I try so hard to make her proud because she struggled raising me but I'm just sick now.

 I was excited today, thinking it's the last day of my injections and tomorrow would be the last day for my IV but apparently I need to take extra IV for ten more days and that was disappointing. My forearm is bruised up and it hurts, it hurts more on the left side because I can't control the trembling. I don't know where they'll stick it in.

It sucks.