moonlight on the river - maitake

part one

A/N: not set in any particular timeline although a bonten au is implied . title from moonlight on the river by mac demarco. writing purposefully disjointed at some parts. please note that the flashback in mikey's pov occur while he is dying- if suicide triggers you, do not continue reading.

Where did everything go so wrong? It wasn't just one event, that started the beginning of the end. It wasn't just one thing that was the tipping point for Mikey, that made him lose himself. It was lots of little things, really. An ache he couldn't forget, an itch that couldn't be soothed. A dark, festering hatred for himself, and that bled into everything around him.

Promises that were made, never meant to be kept. A heart that was never meant to be soothed. Loss that was never to be forgotten.

A younger Mikey would've acted differently. He would've begged to not be left behind. Asked that they find a way to never grow up. Don't you dare die. Don't grow up. Don't you leave me, too. Please. His past was full of could haves, would haves.

If Mikey had gotten there sooner. If he never wished for his Babu, the CB250T bike he received, as the bloodiest birthday gift in his life. If he didn't have wishes, have desires in the first place. If he got to Kazutora sooner, if he'd come along with Takemichi and Emma for that drink. If he noticed Kisaki's gun sooner, he wouldn't have lost Izana right after finding him.

Was it greed that made things go wrong? An eagerness to please? An idolization of himself? Carelessness? Ignorance? Lack of situational awareness?

He'd been trying and trying, but it seemed like it was never enough. Mikey, the failed leader. The strongest of them all, yet not wrong enough. The boy at the top, but just a kid in the end. The strongest in his heart, yet also the weakest. The boy who loved too much, lost too much. The love that shined out of him, only to be tainted by loss and darkness. Mikey had to be strong for everyone, didn't he? Even when he was all alone, even when he felt like he was slipping, losing himself. He was the one everyone looked up to, the one who took upon all their burdens and pain and problems.

If only people could see how it was shattering him too.

Mikey wouldn't let that show, though. He would never spill the burdens he had taken upon himself on anyone else. No matter how much he may have secretly wanted to.

He could vividly remember the moment he was told about Takemitchy's time leaping ability. Suddenly, everything had clicked into place. How the faux blonde always knew just a little bit too much, the strange behaviour he sometimes exhibited. The difference in how Takemitchy acted when he was in some desolate future versus here, with Mikey and the others. His continued determination, his resilience. Takemitchy was a far better man than he would ever be, he knew this for certain.

Mikey wasn't destined for a happy ending, after all. He was starting to lose himself.

The biggest show of love towards his friends was when he disbanded Toman for good. When he wrote the letter for the time capsule, showing that while he may know each of his friends inside and out- they didn't know him very well at all. Mikey, guarded at heart. Mikey, the protector of them all. It was with love that he made that video for Takemitchy to view in the future.

And it was with love in his heart, that Mikey drove every single one of his friends away. Spat poisoned words at them, bastardizing himself in their eyes. The first time he ever physically harmed them with the intent to do so. Claiming he never cared for Emma, claiming that Baji was never his friend. That none of them were ever truly his friend, that he was just keeping them around him the entire time for entertainment. It was with love in his eyes and heart that he beat some of the most pesky friends of his half to death, just to get the message across. With bloodied fists and an aching, crazed smile, that he ended his relationship with all of them for good.