VENTING :)

LONELINESS

Ha..... I don't know though, i suddenly have this kind of feeling tonight...

I don't know where to vent so I'll just do it here, i don't care if you guys reading this or not but i did appreciate if you guys read this 🙂

Let me tell you a little story, we have group of six, so when we were started 11th grade year, 3 of them switched to other school to get their favorite course becuz at our school doesn't have some of the course they want. So only 3 of us stay at our current school, but then we didn't end up in a same class, all 3 of us separate.

In the beginning, it's seems ok but then as months go by, we didn't interact much, most of them have their new group of friends while me...well let say that i didn't find new one, yeah i kinda lonely i guess...

Ok so, I've been watching my friends with their own friends on their status and ig stories, there's a lot of their pictures and videos together.

You know, me as a friend, im quite happy for them that they have their other friends instead of us/me only right, but you know the loneliness suddenly creep inside of me.

I kinda feel jealous for them, at least they have someone to chat with, to share story with, to go out with. While me, spending my time scrolling the internet and waiting for the boredom and loneliness to kill me...

They will chat me if there's important event or asking me something like wishing me happy birthday or told me good luck on exam and etc. And then after that they will go radio silent.

I'm the one who doing the effort on asking them or encourage them and even advise them if they feel complicated. Sometimes im comfort them if they feel down.

I don't want to cry everytime i feel this feeling, i hate it....i hate it cuz it hurt my heart so much, i feel like there's someone squeezing my heart really hard, really i hate it...

When im post some depressed thing on my WhatsApp status, they like suddenly ask me if im doing fine or ask me if there's something wrong with me, *snort* really.... I feel like they only know what happened to me everytime im post something on my status.

But if i didn't post something they thought im doing ok. Well they did tell me to tell them everything or talk to them if i feel down or something, but they forgot who they deal with, it's not easy for me to tell everything that bothering me, no, it's not easy at all.

If they ask me if im doing fine or not, I'll just said "yes, im doing fine", but in reality im not. In this situation, they also need to do some effort, i mean like a lot of effort cuz it's not easy for me to just tell them the truth. I always lie whenever they ask me about my well-being.

I know you guys wonder why am i so stubborn, well you see, never in my life someone comfort me whenever i feel down or sad, even my parents. It's not like i have bad relationship with them, no, i still love them,and they still care about me but maybe i guess they don't know how to deal with it...

But as long a i remember, there's nobody comfort me but there's one time, only one time, one of my aunt on my father's side, she comfort me by hug me when i sad about something, well i feel so touch but at the same time i feel awkward,becuz of why, becuz i never got it before.

Whenever someone show affection to me, i don't know how to deal with it, i feel so awkward, even when my closed friends hug me, i kinda hesitantly hug them. There's one time when we doing some kind of acting, there's scene where i hug my girl classmates, and you guys have no idea how awkward it is.

So yeah, the only side i didn't show them is my anger issues, my sadness and loneliness i guess, and what's funny is they told me how heartless i am, *snort* you guys don't have any idea how many times i heard this sentences, do they know the meaning of heartless is? Is just becuz that i never cry in front of them or becuz i always show my indifferent face?

And i always brushed of what they said, how stupid i am, or maybe they thought i never take it to heart whatever so called harmless joke they said. *sigh*.... Well im tired of this crap anyway, idc about it anymore.

A/N:
*sigh* i think i feel a little bit better now after all of the vent i write it here, thanks for bothering to read this anyway *˙︶˙*)ﾉ