An open letter to the guy I loved and lost

October 32

To the guy I loved and lost,

I couldn't figure out how to tell you this so I'll do it the way I know best: writing.

It's been five months since we part ways. Five months and 2 days to be exact. And I want to ask you how you are. How you really are. I wish I could tell you that my Mom asks the same question too. Maybe she thinks we still have communication or we still talk. I wanna pet your dogs. I wanna greet your dog, Oreo, a very belated 1st birthday. I also wanna tell you that when we broke up, my neighbor gave me a dog and I named him Coffee. He's five months old now and when he came, he somehow fill the void in my heart when I lost you. But sadly, just like you, Coffee left me too a month ago. The day i lost my dog reminds me the time when we broke up. It hurts so much of course. 

I wanna remind you to do your best in studies just like I used to. I want to tell you all the boring things you used to listen to me talk about, like my cat name Clyte always poop on my bed. I want to tell you what's our dinner after the Wednesday Prayer Meeting or how my Sunday went. I want to tell you that I am now a back-up singer on our Church and I can be seen on the live streaming every Sunday. And oh, aside from playing drums I can now play a bass guitar too but I'm still learning. I'm still praying for you and for your family.

I want to tell you that I chose ABM after a long time of making up my mind. And I think, I won't regret that I chose this strand. Also, I enrolled and got admitted on my dream school.

I want to sit down on my bed and have late night talks with you. And afterwards, lay on my bed, hug my pillow--pretending it was you while talking to you over the phone about crazy things and spent all the hours and hours and hours talking about what would be the scenario when we finally meet in person. Or spent the hours thinking of how many kids we will have in the future haha.

I want to know what you are up to right now.

I want to.

But I can't.

I loved you. We did everything together. I thought you were going to be in my life forever. I thought we'll gonna meet each other when you graduated college. I thought I would be with you until you reached your dreams and until I reached mine.

I thought we could have a roadtrip date and play every music in your playlist or sing the song that always makes us think of each other. I thought I could spent a night in your apartment before our 5th Anniversary and we'll have a countdown until it turns 12 A.M.

I thought you were going to be in my wedding someday and see you get your Doctor's License. I thought we will name our kids Bianca and Neo because you don't want them to struggle with their names. I thought I was going to miss you every time you were gone for a while, and I will be excited to see you when you got back after taking care of your patients at the Hospital.

But things are different now. You're gone. And everything has changed. No more "good morning to good night" talks.

It broke my heart to lose you. It felt like a piece of me was gone. You were my living diary, one call away, number one, support system, comedy show, and the best man whom I love the most.

But our paths are now further apart before we even met personally.

If you're wondering at all, I'm good. I found a lot of people that love me so much, and I love them back too. They listen to me every time I don't feel like I'm okay. They comfort me.

But not the way you do. They're not you.

I'll miss you forever, that's for sure. I will miss your jokes and cheesy pick-up lines. I will miss you calling me with our endearment. I will miss your "I love you" with my name in it. But I'm grateful for everything you gave me and all the happiness we shared together.

After all this hurt, I can finally say without a doubt that I'm blessed to have lived a life that crossed paths with yours even for a short period of time. I will cherish our memories we made. And probably in the future if I would have kids, I will tell them how we fight on New Year's Eve because of your post about Zombie Apocalypse.

I hope you are doing okay and I wish you happiness. I hope you know that even though you've moved on too, you will not regret that you met me and still consider me as your friend. I hope you've found people that love you and care about you the way that I did. And I hope you care for them more than you cared for me.

I will wonder forever how things would have been if we were still friends. Would our lives be the same if we just stayed as friends? Or if I didn't agree to pretend that I'm your girlfriend before, maybe our friendship won't be ruined. Hope we forgive ourselves for hurting each other. And please tell Anne that I am sorry for everything I caused.

I don't know if there's a chance that you can read this but if ever, I want you to smile and remember what I've said to you before; I will never regret that I met you.

To the guy I loved and lost,

I am now finally freeing you and myself too. Thank you. For everything.

Sincerely,

The girl who always had your back.