take it how you want it

freak show.

so much is running through my mind
the feeling of air squeezing it's way into my lungs is frightening
panic attack
i'm having one
it's massive
it's painful
and it's suffocating
i cant begin to grasp what i should do
i woke up late
i got breakfast
i ate it
i sat in the parking lot
before i could turn my car off the thought of going inside set me into a panic
maybe i didn't want to hear more about him
maybe I didn't want to see everyone
maybe I didn't want to answer questions
maybe it was just a bad day
but I couldn't turn my car off
i couldn't go inside
so i sit there and tried breathe the best I can
what if i leave
no, but i have to go inside
but i can't
my friend sees me
hugs me
invites me to sit so i do
i didn't think about anything but to drive away
i took her with me
for a second i wasn't suffocating anymore
i forgot about my problems
i was laughing
enjoying the ride
but i get a gut feeling so i return
just to find people looking for me
as i go in she asks me do i need a councilor
i said no
do you need to talk to anyone
i said no
people at my school don't get the right to know anything about me
i have wanted to go to therapy for years now
but my mom always told me no
so i felt alone
and talking to my friends weren't enough
i needed help
my brain hadn't gotten a break since everything
i've had so much love and heartbreak it drove me insane
so i got my slip and marched up the stairs
my one friend cared and was glad i was okay
the others stared at me and shook their heads
they had no idea what it's like for me
i'm not this perfect person
i sat down and all eyes were on me
i raised my voice and said
since you want to stare at me i had a panic attack and left school
they didn't say anything
just shook their heads at me
it's been irritating
feeling like a freak
i don't think anymore i just do what makes me feel better in the moment
so i have the strength to live and have more moments with those i love
taking care of myself sometimes means i need to cut off everyone
and just drive
but returning to my reality makes me sad
i hate my reality because of the pressure on my mind
nobody understands that i have had a messed up mind since the incident
my mind is sometimes not my own anymore
this is my reality