Am I Barry Pyramid?

Lock Up Your Goldfish

In 1988 as Lee Cabinet started sixth form he was planning another attempt at forming a band and was convinced things would be different this time. When he was at school he had co-created a band called Slander with a friend named Ged but that band only consisted of drawings on paper, so they never made a sound. The same two friends had later formed a band called Sneaky Manoeuvres that did make sounds using one solitary snare drum and a borrowed red flying V guitar but these sounds probably fell short of being described as music. Also worth noting is that neither band member could actually spell the name of the band. This seemed insignificant to them at the time but now somehow seems like a signifier of things to come. Shortly after the demise of Sneaky Manoeuvres the red flying V became available for sale at the price of fifty pounds. Lee Cabinet bought it and in doing so felt that he had taken another important step along the road to rock and roll excess.

Looking back now it's interesting to note that every musical project Lee has ever been involved with seems to have some significant shortcoming; a band whose name he couldn't spell, a band that existed only on paper, a band with no music, a band with no members, several bands with no songs and most of all numerous bands with no gigs. In 1988 with Slander and Sneaky Manoeuvres behind him, this pattern was starting to bed in but Lee was blissfully unaware of the future's icy certainty and was sure that an actual band with members, songs and even gigs was something he was capable of masterminding. He hadn't made a detailed plan but he was aware that hairstyles were important. His hair was not long enough but it was getting longer every day. For now he concentrated on hanging out with people who had longer hair than he did. Either he thought this might make his hair grow faster or he just wanted long haired people for his next musical project. Whatever the reason he decided to stand near a long haired man called John Mantas and wait for something to happen. Nothing happened, not immediately anyway. Later in an economics lesson Lee couldn't believe his luck as he saw another person with long hair, a man who appeared to be equal parts 80s Lancashire schoolboy and 60s London rock star. That person was Ali The Tux and not only did he own a guitar it was even rumoured that he might be able to play three or four popular chords.

Quite soon Lee met another interesting (but short haired) character called Crofty, who was interested in Doctor Who but perhaps only because it made him laugh. He was up for hanging out on Saturdays and getting the bus to Preston to go to Thunderbooks to look at comics and old Doctor Who annuals. This was perfect for Lee as he was suddenly newly obsessed with comics having read an article in Raw magazine about how comics were something to do with rock and roll.

The most important thing about Crofty was that he knew John Mantas and was more than happy to be used by Lee as a way to get to know John. Already in Lee's mind a band was forming with John Mantas on drums, Ali The Tux on guitar and Lee himself on the red flying V. The band seemed to exist mostly in idea space, some members were concerned about the lack of practices, the lack of sound and various other lacks. Some members seemed reluctant to admit they were even in the band. The band was called Armitage Sharks; a poster was produced and there was even a run of T-shirts in extremely limited quantities. Maybe as few as five T-shirts were produced, which was more than enough to satisfy demand.

As well as being instrumental in getting the Armitage Sharks together Crofty also introduced Lee to Gary Money. Lee would stay in touch with Gary for the rest of his life and together they would co-create The Kettlecup Corporation, Knights In Satan's Service, Jam Factory Records, Los Caballeros Lanzan and Side Project. Starting in 2001 they would produce seven albums and two mix albums in just over 4 years before resuming inactivity for another two decades. But that would all start ten years after this late 80s Armitage Sharks era.

Later still, after the heyday of their success Cabinet and Money would discuss the idea of abandoning music altogether in order to make a documentary about Crofty. They planned to interview his dad who was always referred to simply as "Beard", and ask him "What was it like having Crofty as a son?", "Did you ever appreciate how great he was?" and "Did you have any idea how your Victorian attitudes would lead him to develop a new genre of entertainment based on ridiculing people for amusing characteristics they barely even possessed?"
There as so many Crofty stories, probably many that nobody even knows. They should be documented before they are forgotten, that was as good a reason as any for doing a documentary. One of Lee's favourites was the incident where Crofty rode over a burning pile of coal on a bike, maybe a tricycle. Or the time he did a knock a door run and slipped and fell through the glass. What about the curious incident of the night club chair in the road?
"Where was the night club chair in the road?!"
"In Southport"
"Was there an occasion where everyone looked for him in the club and when they gave up, got kicked out be cause it had ended he was asleep in the road on a chair from the club?"
"I'm not sure but if it did happen it could only happen to Croft"
"The kind of story that although it might not have happened it could only happen to Croft"
"I remember once he went to a cash machine and instead of joining us in the next pub went back to the same seat in the previous pub and went to a nightclub with a group of strangers who took our seats. I think only Croft could do that."
"Its a common feature that its not possible that a lot of these things could have happened to someone else, in most cases just one of these incidents would be too crazy to happen to most people but he has seemingly limitless ability"
"Miracles on demand might be a good name for the documentary"
"Now he's in charge of a whole continent for a multinational company"
"Lucky them, which company is it?"
"Its the company that make Ray Bans"
"Think they make loads of things"
"A bit lizard"
"Lizard Corp"