I look at my red hands and take a step back. I trip over something but the debate in my head is too intense to pay attention to anything other than what I just did. I am cold. I'm shivering and the sweat beading on my forehead isn't helping. I know I fake you out.
* * *
The light whirring of the engine doesn't help me to forget. I would have liked to turn on the radio to hear you less but I don't have one anymore. I pass a few cars and each time, I hear the headlights calling me. I don't look away, on the contrary, I stare at them until they disappear, then blink to regain my sight.
Never, never again, I want to be that. I'll never be what's inside. You keep reminding me I'm not alone but I'm scared, I'm petrified. You also remind me that you are close. Is close the closest star? There are thousands of them shining above my head. You just feel twice as far. Didn't you? It won't happen again.
I feel myself falling down, I can't fly away from it all. Everything is black around me as I fall. And silent. A strange silence that I am not used to. Is it good? I don't know. I didn't make it. I knew, I knew it could happen, you warned me. I fake you out.
I've been driving for a while now, I can see more and more stars but I can't see them all. I'm terrified. I'm afraid of what you have to say. I am silent, the cabin is empty and it scares me. I know that this emptiness will give you more space.
I turn my head, you are next to me on the passenger seat. You're staring at the road without paying attention to me. You're wearing that hoodie I like so much. I am wearing that hoodie you like so much. I look back at the road but I still see you moving beside me. You are having fun tracing the outline of the skeleton bones printed on it. You know that, don't you? You know I don't really want to be what's inside? Never again. I am not alone. I am surrounded by stars. How far away are they? They are so far and at the same time so close.
I have fake you out, that's what scares me. I keep sinking into this lightless pit, it seems bottomless. When will it end? All I wanna...
It's always the same, today as on other days. Why do they want to give names that are false to explain these things? Things that cannot be explained. Places that can't be explained. The wrists of my mind are slashed, I can see the tears that flow from them. It reminds me of everything I've ever done. All the dirty, disgusting crimes I've committed. But it was the right thing to do. Yes ? Yes. It was the right thing to do after my actions. I am about to drown, I struggle, I sink and rise, I spit and suffocate. I know this is what all children do. What children do is killing themselves. They know they are trapped and they feel they have no control over their cells. If you are one of them, then you are part of me. And you would do almost anything to feel free. Yeah, am I right? Of course I'm right.
Convincing me otherwise would take all night. Before you go, there's one more thing I want to tell you. Our brains are sick but that's okay.
I look around again. Nothing. I arrived on a forest path. I turn off the engine and close my eyes. As usual, I hear you screaming in my head. I wish I were free too, but you are always there. As soon as I fall silent, you speak up. I feel cold. My fists are clenched. I stare at them, they are dripping red. I rest my head on the headrest. You finally shut up. I close my eyes and -.
