Study Sessions

the art of going all the way

"Are you feeling okay?"

You looked at Trent, who was sitting across from you in the small diner situated at the end of the island on The Cut, your hands around a hot cup of black coffee. Trent hadn't spent much time here, other than when he came to the Boneyard for the kegger, and you thought it would be nice to spend the day away from Figure Eight and explore the Outer Banks before he left. Tomorrow would be his last night on the island and you tried to push the weird feeling inside of you aside in favor of having a good time with a boy who was interested in you.

"Yeah," you said, forcing yourself out of your thoughts. You speared a couple of watermelon pieces onto your fork and shoved it into your mouth. "Why wouldn't I be?" Trent laughed and watched as the watermelon juice slipped from the corner of your mouth, chuckling when you reached for a napkin to wipe it away.

"You just seem like you're a million miles away is all," he said with a shrug.

"Sorry," you apologized. "I'm just thinking about how a lot's going to change when you leave."

You didn't know if that meant if your relationship with Trent or JJ would change. You carefully weighed your options during the past week; you could be with Trent and pursue a long distance relationship while he visited you on the weekend from the mainland or you could confess your feelings for JJ and risk him not liking you back. Your feelings with JJ were clear, but now that you and Trent had gotten to know each other – really know each other – you felt like he was a safe bet.

"I know it'll be difficult to not see each other for most of the week," Trent said. "We can always FaceTime and you know I'll come visit you as soon as the weekend comes." You smiled at his gesture. His civility and kindness was what threw you off initially. Everything about his persona, from the way he'd constantly pull out his phone to capture the most attention-grabbing Instagram photo to being friendly with Rafe, Topper, and Kelce at brunch parties where the rich mingled, made you think about how his personality didn't match who he was "supposed" to be. You knew stereotyping was wrong, but still, you couldn't help it.

You constantly had to think of excuses when you saw Trent had tried to call you while you were with JJ. In one instance, JJ had seen Trent's phone light up on your phone screen while his tongue was latched onto your core and you watched as he took your phone and put it on your nightstand face down. You'd built the reputation of going to bed early and not being on your phone as much, and he seemed to buy it. You were careful not to post on social media when you said goodnight to Trent and tried to pretend you went to bed early nearly every night whenever Trent would ask you how your night had been.

Part of you knew what you were doing was wrong. At first, you didn't want to look like a fool in front of a boy who looked like he knew what he was getting himself into; Trent certainly knew his way in the bedroom and he said all the right words that would make any girl fall to their knees. But you had to force yourself to want to do anything sexual with him, which is why neither of you had your hands down the other's pants for quite some time. Trent never questioned it and you blamed your mind overthinking for your worry about if Trent wanted more than what you were willing to give.

When you realized you started to enjoy your time with JJ, and not because you were able to orgasm, that's when your guilt kicked in. The proposition with the blond began as an innocent plea to help you educate yourself about the human body and how to pleasure it, but continuing these lessons when you knew you had feelings for JJ tugged at your strings when you thought about how Trent would feel if he found out.

You rationalized this by reminding yourself you'd only known him for under three weeks, and it wasn't as if you two were promised to one another. Still, you felt like you should've stopped what was happening between you and JJ when you realized that you enjoyed his company away from the Pogues and wanted to be with him more than you already did.