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We're going back home tomorrow... I loved every single second here and will never forget this trip. Keenan and Aiden are inside while Adriana and I are sitting out on the veranda, tucked into thick blankets and some anti alcoholic punch she made before.
"You know... I love my brother with all my heart. But how can you deal with his mood swings?" She asks me. "He shows that he needs space at the moment. So I respect and give him the space he needs."
I'm thankful for him showing or even telling me about him needing space and wanting to be alone. It makes everything so much easier for both of us.
"So.. why did you decide to study psychology?" She asks me as she brings both her legs up to the chair to warm herself up even more.
"Because I want to help people. I want them to know that it's okay to not be okay. And to know that there is always someone there to talk to them. That you don't have to be ashamed of asking for help. Because I know what it feels like to be in the situation of some of them."
I don't know why I am telling her this. And why I am telling her what I am about to tell her. "You know.. I was in a relationship with a boy for a pretty long time. We got together when I was sixteen and he broke up with me one day before my twentieth birthday."
I release a little scoff as I roll my tongue in my mouth before continuing. "That was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
Nick was an orphan and didn't have the best luck with his foster family. He was alone most of the time and had to take care of himself at a pretty young age." I take a short look over to Adriana and see her looking straight at me. That's when I realize what I'm even doing.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm even telling you this." "No. No, no, no, please continue." She says and gets up from her chair to sit on the bench next to me, putting her arm around me and tells me to continue.
"I was pretty confident before meeting him. I was really happy and thankful with my life. I still am. I have everything I could dream of when it comes to a house and a family. But Nick wasn't happy with his. He even told me he is jealous of me and my life... so he started to make mine a living hell.
Like I said we got together when I was sixteen. He was eighteen at that time. The first two to three years of our relationship like felt a normal one between two teenagers. But he got more and more jealous of me and me being around other guys I've known for almost my whole life.
He always had the opinion that a friendship of male and female doesn't exist so he accused me of cheating every single time I talked to someone. Whenever it was a classmate of mine- even my brother.
I never noticed it or didn't want to notice it to say it like that because he really meant much to me. And I told him I wouldn't stop talking to my friends because of his lack of confidence for himself.
So he made me not want to talk to them anymore myself. He told me day after day how much weight I have gained. That I look like I would weight 200lbs. And I first didn't listen to him because I knew what my body looked like.
And when you hear it from a person you love... when that person tells you how fat you have gotten day after day... you start to believe it. It was one of the ugliest and most painful feelings when I looked into the mirror and saw myself the way he told me I looked like.
So I stopped going into public and stopped eating what led to an eating disorder and depression. I was always skinny. I always had a good body. But I didn't see it anymore. So at the worst time my weight was under 89lbs.
There were many other things in this relationship that didn't feel right but I still did it for him. He stole from me and my family and when I asked him about it he told me it was my own fault because I had the money and wouldn't help him with his needs.
He made buy him things and told me he would make me even uglier by landing in the hospital if I ever told a person about it. And of course I didn't tell anyone. But I started cutting myself. On my thighs so no one would see it because I never wore anything short at that time.
My whole family knew something was wrong but I didn't let them in anymore. I built a shield around me. But one day- my mom came into my room unexpected and saw me harming myself. She had a breakdown in front of me and that was kind of the thing that helped me to wake up. I still don't know why but he broke up with me after that and I haven't heard much from him since then.
I stayed at home for my semesters, recovering from my depressions and started to slowly gain weight again. I'm still not fully the person I was before that but I have to say that your brother is a big part in my life that helps me slowly becoming that person again."
I was so deep in the story that I didn't notice her crying next to me. Adriana hugged me close to her, telling me she's sorry I had to go through that... she has no idea how good it felt to tell someone about it.
_____
We're on our way back home. We already landed in New York and Keenan is driving me home. He's been awfully quiet since yesterday. Hasn't talked much, has been in a bad mood and I don't know why.
He even listens to music loudly which he never does when he drives the car and he didn't talk to his mother when she called him. "Is something wrong?" I ask him. He answers me with a simple 'no'.
"Did I do something, I-" "It's fine, Gianna." Gianna. Pretty seldom he calls me by my full name. He kind of shows me that he needs his space again. So I will give him space.
As much as he needs.
____
Omg. I hate Nick.
Poor baby:(
What do you think?
Love you!!!
Just a short little information:!!!! This should not mean that anybody with 200lbs is ugly! Every person is absolutely beautiful and should never be ashamed about rhe way she/he looks like!! Love yourself! This is the thing that matters the most in life!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND LOVED!!!
