Wolfstar One Shots (OPEN FOR REQUESTS)

Lost

(so what if i only wrote this to hurt myself)

scroll to the end for warnings

***

"Don't go,"

Grey eyes, wide with panic and red-rimmed with alcohol. 

Remus steps back.

"No," a plea. "You can't leave me."

Remus takes another step back. He stares in front of him. Stares at the ghost of a man who once was. 

"Please," the crack of a voice. And then, and then...

"I'm sorry... I'll stop. I'll stop, I swear. You can't leave, Remus."

Lies.

"No," Remus protests. Another step back. But he's out of room. Back against the wall, he trembles. "Don't... don't come near me."

But Sirius doesn't listen. He never listens.

And Remus used to love that. He used to love how Sirius would never listen. How Remus would scream at him to leave him alone, that he was fine, turning into a beast every month be damned.

And Sirius never listened.

A step forward, eyes so grey. So fitting in that black and white face of his. White cheeks, white lips, all hollow and lifeless.

"I won't... I won't again. I swear," Sirius pleads. His voice is hoarse. Rougher than the feel of the wall against Remus' back. "I swear, Remus."

More lies.

"You say that—" Remus chokes on a sob when Sirius grabs his wrist. God, he's so gentle. And so cold. 

Remus used to love how warm he was when he curled up on Remus' chest. How many evenings had they spent like that in front of the TV, leaving it on just for background noise as their hands traced patterns on each others' skin?

"You say that all the time," Remus says. His voice is weak. He's lost this fight. He lost it the moment Sirius touched him. And Sirius knows that. He knows that so well because this isn't the first time.   

"I mean it, this time. I promise, Remus."

Lies, lies, lies.

"No—" but it's useless. 

"I won't touch a drop again, I promise," Sirius gasps, clutching Remus' jumper. His fingers are trembling. Remus can't tell if it's the alcohol or not.

"You're lying," Remus chokes on a sob. 

"I... I swear. I'll throw them away. I swear, I swear, Remus, I swear—"

Sirius is gasping, clawing at Remus' chest and knocking him back into the wall, losing his breath to words and dry sobs.

And Remus can't watch. Can't watch those eyes fill with hot tears, can't watch how those lips part for cries that rip their way out of Sirius like they're a force of their own.

"Please, please don't leave me, I... I'll throw them all away, Remus..."

He doesn't stop crying and he doesn't stop touching Remus. "I'll do anything," he hiccups, "you can't go, Remus," he doesn't stop talking, either. Keeps sobbing words into Remus, lies and false promises burning their way through the kisses he leaves on Remus' skin.

"Remus," he pleads, "Remus, Remus..."

Remus doesn't reply. He cries quietly instead, wishing he could smell flowers in Sirius' hair instead of that ugly reek of alcohol. Wishing he would feel something more than skin and bone under his fingers as they grip Sirius' arms.  

He's so thin, so hollow. 

Was it grief that made him this way? Was it the loss of his best friend—his brother—that clawed away at him until he was nothing but skin and bone and aching?

"Remus..."

Remus lets himself be undressed, he lets it happen, and when Sirius kisses him, he kisses back—cradles Sirius' face and wipes his tears away because Sirius is hurting and it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if he hurts Remus, Remus can't watch him hurt, and oh God, oh God...

"Say you won't leave me," Sirius sobs as Remus fucks into him. "Say you won't go, say you'll stay, please—"

The bed creaks under their weight, kills the silence that falls between Sirius' sobs.

"I'll change for you," Sirius says. Remus flips him over, unable to bear any more of his lies. Unable to bear the sight of Sirius' teary eyes gazing up at him, his hair sprawled across the pillow. 

"No," Remus kisses the back of his neck, and then his shoulder. "No, you won't."

"I will," Sirius' words are muffled against the pillow, "I promise, I promise I'll change," he lies. "Tell me you'll stay, Remus,"

"I'll stay," Remus gasps into Sirius' hair.

"I love you," Sirius lies again.

He lies, because that's what liars do.

"I love you," Remus whispers, a hot tear rolling off of his cheek and landing on the pillow, staining its white case grey. He turns Sirius around and kisses him, and tells him he loves him once more. 

He lets himself get lost in a man who's no more. And he lets himself believe every single lie.

He believes those lies, because that's what fools do.

***

Warnings :

mentions of alcoholism, vague mention of death, toxic relationship, kinda angsty but do you even expect anything different from me at this point