Daughter of Nomads

Selfish

Another week passed by. And then two.

Things've been getting worst since my break down on Cory's house.
That day, I was just chatting with Cory until Jake approched us. He didn't do anything, I know it, he just stood there while Cory kept on talking. It wasn't that what trigared my panic attack.

It was the way he looked at me, completely ignoring Cory.

I like Jake, but the look he was giving me... I couldn't handle that. Memories of the past, bad memories, started to come back, to bring back what happened last time.

After that, I shouted at Jake and left alone in a cub.

Since then, Cassie has tried to make me attend parties, movie nights, or just to go hang out with the group, but I refused to any of them.

Images of the last time where filling my head all the time. I had no distractions, so my mind kept always bringin back the memories, overthinking

Now it was friday again, and I wasn't planning on getting out of my bed.

I only lasted one week at college acting normal. Great Zoey.

Still, I wasn't as depressed as I used to get back in my old house. I was mannaging to stay float, but I didn't know how long that would last.

-All right, thats all! What the hell happened that day at Cory's?- Cassie suddenly shouted at me.
I hadnt even realized she was home. I snapped back into reality. I was standing frozen in the middle of our room, as if I was about to do something but had forgotten what it was.
-I've been trying to give you space and stuff, but it's been two weeks since you took off in that cub, and you have been hiding here for too long. You eat less, you dont draw, you dont sing, you just sit in your bed and zone out. What's going on?

I just stood there, frozen, looking at her in shok.

-Nothing's going on, Cass. I'm fine.- My voice sounded flat, empty.

-No, you're not.- She grabbed my hand and dragged me to her bed. We both sat down, and she speaked again, softly- You know you can trust me, Zoey. What's wrong? Im starting to worry.

-Its nothing Cass, seriously, I'm fi-

-Cut the crap, Zo- she cut me off, and waited for me to go on and tell her.

We sat there in silence for a while. I could feel her gaze on me as I stared down at my hands, resting on the bed.
Screw it, I have to tell her. At least I'll let her know a part of it.
I took a deep breath, and let out, in a whisper:

-I hurt people Cass. Im the bad one. - a tear roamed down my face, but I ignored it.- Everyone I love gets hurt, and it's because of me. I ruin people.

-Oh Zoey, Im shure it's not your fault-

-But it is. It is, and it hurts me to know it. Thats why I dont get close to people.

-It doesn't have to be this way Zoey.

-Yes it has. I don't expect you to understand, you don't know the whole story. And I'm not ready to tell you yet. But just know I'm fine. Im used to it, I prefer it this way.

She sat in silence, thinking. Her hand was caressing my hair
-Then I'll wait for you to tell me. Listen, why don't we go out just the two of us? Watch a movie and get some icecream?

I thought about it. Would it be okay for me to go, to open myself to Cassie, to let her get close to me? I know she could get hurt, cause that's what happens to people when I let them in, but I'm selfish. I'll let myself have her, at least.

-Shure, Cass. - I wiped my tears and gave her a tiny smile, awkardly.

-Then take a shower and change those clothes, you smell like shit.