Random Stories of Suicidal Pen

E3: Until We Meet Again

My hyperventilation echoed in the room as I had been here again meeting that person. I am still scared of the outside world. Soaking with my sweat, it's the place that made me numb and also kind of suffocates me.

"Good day, client. I hope your journey here isn't as hard as running upon a herd of wolves. Oh, I see. It is you again. So, how may I help you?"

I caught my breath and looked around the white walls surrounding me. The lady has the same clean hair bun and formal suit that befits her body. My insecurities overwhelmed me, thus, preventing me respond her question. She sighed.

"Dear client, as you may know, time is of essence even though you might not feel it. If you don't have anything to say, pardon me for taking my leave."

I wavered as she stood formally and bowed as if she was about to leave.

"No. I... I need someone who could save me."

I feel exhausted by standing and preventing her out. I envy her. She got it all to live her life. How could she do that? Isn't she tired of the fake smiles? Yes, no matter how much she hid her irritation, I knew from the start that she was mad at me. She chuckled. It made me distracted inside my thoughts and focus on her.

"So dear client, what someone do you need? And what specific job should it do to save you?"

She looked at me mockingly, but I didn't dare to retaliate. She giggled again as if she could read my mind. At the same time, afraid of how I should choose my words. This white room had added another burden to my chest. It feels like I am in prison.

"Should I choose it myself, or would you like to come with me to the other side?"

"No. You can choose what's appropriate."

"And what do you need?"

She knows that I can't be mad in this situation because I am holding the shorter end. I coughed out my cowardice and composed myself once more.

"I need someone who's..."

"Brave and respected. Would you need someone good at dealing with people? It should be calm and has the power to lead. If there could be someone good at lies, it is preferable. It should also have to be intelligent, beautiful, and confident," she intercepted.

"You..."

"Not just that. I need it to be lovable, have a sense of justice, and know where to stop. It should be fine if it's a bit more vulgar, that it won't be impudent when talking to the elderly. I want it to be someone great at a debate like it was always right."

"I..."

"Wake up, Nylla! You're always running. Aren't you tired of escaping?"

She's angry. She lost her composure and started hitting the thin glass wall between us, but it won't budge. The lady was like an air hitting a big stone right now. Her voice echoed around the room as if the lady was so near me, but she was more than five meters away from me. I started crying again. I'm frightened, so hopeless.

"I'm sorry,"

"Stop apologizing! We don't need your apologies!"

She blurted out. What if I die? Would it calm her down? Why do I even exist in the first place? Why do I need to suffer like this? If my persona can let me live for 21 years on Earth, how come she has to stay here?

"Stop self-pitying! You won't gain any sympathy at all. You are always like that. Get a hold up of yourself. You're always curling to all negativities won't drive you to succeed! Live on reality, Nylla. Stand up and break this freaking glass wall and come with me! They've been waiting for you all this time, and we will always be!"

"No. I... I am happy here. I don't need your hypocrisy. I need some more time. Could you? Could you help me with this one more time? I know I don't deserve this. I know that you are way better than me, but please understand. I am in no position to give you this life."

"Nylla... Please be strong. I know you're tired of the toxicity of the world. You've always hated that you existed. But, rather than keeping yourself, see the world on its brighter side too. There's no darkness when there's no light, and the same goes for the light. Don't always cover the good things with the things that never and will never happen."

"I know. I need more time. Please help me again this time," I pleaded for how many times in my life.

She fixed herself and bowed. I wish I could get closer to reach her hand when she raised it as if trying to hold me near. She gave me the same fake smile she did from the beginning. She bowed once more as if all those bursts hadn't happened at all. Yes, she's my professional persona.

"Until we meet again, my dear self, my client."

As she left, I wondered what if I broke this glass from the very beginning. I gave a weak smile on the other side of the room where my persona was in one last time. I grabbed the doorknob on my side.

"Maybe this is how it is supposed to be."

All the different emotions flashed in my mind as if I roleplayed every expression in my life. There's childish, professional, seductive, wise, lovable, free-will, and among them is perfection. Those are the personas that I could not replace in my daily activity. It drowned me to envy. Nobody has ever noticed, yet the changes within me are nothing but a facade of who I am. I entered the darkroom as I let myself with darkness.

"There's no perfect place for you to be in, Cowardice."

Another persona hugged me from behind. And yes, it's negativities.