Unbreak my Heart (BMAW)

Chapter 8

I forced myself to smile at my reflection in the mirror as I ran my fingers through the part of my hair that looked out of place. The smile quickly disappeared and I bit my lower lip in worry, minutes away from a panic attack. Fuck. I felt caged in and wanted to run away but I knew I wasn't going to succeed if I tried. I tugged at the neckline of my dress as the choking feeling around my throat got worse.

It's my wedding day and for the second time in my life, I wanted to hurl before the ceremony. The moment I saw Sammy when I was 16, I knew he was the one for me. I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have babies with. I also knew the kind of wedding I wanted. It was supposed to be a big extravagant wedding, me in the biggest bridal ball gown ever, him in a navy blue tux. I dreamt of that day for years to come; and now that day is finally here and it's shit. Bridal gown? Ha! I had on a cream colored gown I got on sale in a small store I couldn't even remember it's name. I didn't even know if he had a blue tuxedo. Nothing was like I imagined it to be. And the worst part of it was the fact that we were going to live together for as long as was necessary. Having spent the last ten years on my own, discovering myself and living by my own rules, the thought was terrifying.

I pounded my chest with my fist as I began hyperventilating, tears streaming down my face and then I heard footsteps I vaguely recognised as Angie's. "Oh no. No no no. Ji-Ho you know how we do it. Breathe in slowly. In with your nose, out with your mouth." She said hotly and I tried to follow her directions. In...Out...In...Out...19....18...17...16...15...14...13 I thought, counting backwards in my mind. I could hear sounds coming from my throat as I sobbed and struggled to breathe at the same time. It took a while before I calmed down but the tears sure didn't. The tears had been a long time coming, they had just been waiting for the right trigger.

"You okay now?" She asked and I nodded before letting go of her. "I'm sorry. I just messed your shirt up." I said to her, giving her a shaky smile.

"Fuck the shirt." She swore and I chuckled. "Who cares about the shirt? My major concern is you. Don't do this Ji-Ho."

"I have to. You don't get it. He's taking Cora with or without me."

"He can't do that. The court..."

"I don't trust the system to do anything for me. This guy is loaded. Do you know the kind of power that comes with that kind of money? I grew up around that kind of power. I've seen what can be done with it. I don't want to loose my daughter. She's all I have left." I replied, hugging myself because I felt cold but that cold seemed to come from within, so it was pointless.

"So what are you going to do? Keep having panic attacks?"

"No. I'm sure that part is over. I lived under rules for so long that living alone with my daughter was euphoric for me. The fact that the control I had over my life was slipping was what set me off. This guy, when I was younger I was so sure I was going to marry this guy. I had the picture of what everything would look like in my head. But here we are, silently at war but coming together because of our daughter. What a load of crap."

"Well..." She began and I reached over to press my fingers against her forehead, trying to straighten out the frown lines that were there because of me. "Don't worry about me." I said, cutting her short. "I'll be fine." I lied.

"You know I'll always be here for you if you need me." She said and I smiled at her before pulling her into my arms for a tight hug. "Yes I know that. And I'll always be here for you too."

I sat in front of the mirror again to fix my makeup and winced when I saw my reflection. Face puffy from crying and running mascara. I took a wipe and began cleaning my face. "Would you like to come for the reception? I'm sure he'd like to meet Cora's Aunty Angie. He has heard a lot about you from her." I asked her, looking at her through the mirror.

"Uhmm....I don't really know. I thought I'd just be there to witness the wedding."

"I made some food." I said with the hope of convincing her and she grinned. I could almost see her pupils turning into chicken thighs.

"You know what? Sure. I could eat. I haven't had your homemade food in a while. But I really can't stay long. You know I would if I could" she replied and I squeezed her hand in understanding. She really would if she could. Even if it was just for a short moment, I needed at least one person I knew at the ceremony so that even if Sammy's friends judged me and threw angry condescending looks at me, I wouldn't feel so alone. I wondered if he still had the same set of friends. We had mutual friends back in the day and I dreaded the thought of seeing any of them.

I looked up when Angie shook my shoulder. The look on her face showed she had been talking for a while only to discover I wasn't listening. "What? Sorry. What were you saying?" I asked, flashing her a faint smile.

"I was saying you can take off for the next week. I know you're not going for honeymoon but you still have to settle in and find a dynamic that works for you all." She said while giving me an encouraging smile and squeezing my hand. "Good luck! Come on. We have to get to the court on time."

"Thank you. I'll be out soon." Throwing the used wipe into the trashcan, I applied my makeup afresh. I chose a different colour of lipstick, red this time as opposed to the pink I used earlier and smacked my lips when I was done applying it.

When I finished fixing my makeup, I began putting things away. I paused when my eyes fell on the Yin necklace I left on my drawer days ago. Picking it up, I traced it's outline with my finger and resigned to my fate before opening the drawer, throwing it in and standing up. I went to the kitchen, pulled out the bottle of brandy I used for cooking and swallowed two mouth fulls. I grimaced as it burned while going down my throat and quickly washed it down with a glass of cold water.

As I left the kitchen, I shouted my daughter's name and pulled on my shoes. There was no point in delaying. I might as well face it heads on. So what if they all hate me? I did what I had to do and that's fine. They would have done the same thing if they had been in my shoes I thought as I collected my car key and took a bubblegum from the candy drawer that was next to the key.

Angie came out with Cora and I felt a real smile grace my face for the first time in a long time. She had on a white lace dress which had a blue bow on the left side. She radiated nothing but pure joy. I felt the storm in me settle as I kissed her cheek and remembered why I was doing it. It wasn't for me. It was for her. I would sacrifice a limb for her. What's marriage in comparison to loosing a limb? Nothing.

"You look so beautiful sweetheart." I said to her and she beamed. My heart. "Thanks mummy. You do too. Can Eli come with?" She asked and I shook my head sadly.

"No sweetheart. It's not that type of wedding. Eli will come later but not now. Come on let's go." I said to both of them and ushered them out of the house. I followed and locked the door behind me.

It's Showtime.