Unbreak my Heart (BMAW)

Chapter 11

There was a knock on my door almost immediately I came out of the bathroom. Wrapping a towel around my head and securing the one I had around my body, I walked over to the door and opened it. It was Sammy. Well, it couldn't have been anyone else.

"Hi." I said to him and he grunted before asking if he could talk to me. Nodding in agreement, I opened the door wider to let him in, wondering if it had to do with Cora's school as he mentioned the previous night.

"Is there any problem?" I asked, wondering if he was about to cancel because something came up.

"I don't want you to come with us." He said and I instantly felt cold. I couldn't stop the oh.. that left my mouth. "I told myself that I'll be civil with you so we can raise her together. I'm being as civil and polite as possible but... I really don't enjoy being around you. I can't do that without getting upset. The most I can do is have breakfast or dinner with you for her. I only asked if you wanted to come with because she would have wanted me to ask but I'd like to spend the morning with her if you don't mind."

Right then, I heard something snap in my head. The thin worn out thread holding me together finally snapped and I fell into the deep hole I'd been hanging over for almost 20 years. I nodded to show I heard what he said and closed the door when he left. I felt numb. I couldn't do anything to stop the emptiness in me, so it just got bigger as the belief that my daughter didn't need me anymore sank deeper.

You're a failure. You're a disgrace. A waste of space, food and oxygen. Why don't you do the world a favour and just unalive yourself you worthless garbage being?

These words floated around in my head. I could picture my parents faces as they said those words. I could picture Sammy say those words. I could imagine my daughter saying mummy I don't need you anymore.

I somehow managed to find my way to the bathroom and back into the shower. Turning it on and setting it to be as hot as I could bear, I squatted down and hot water beat down on my skin with angry intensity as tears finally rolled down my cheeks. I could not tell the difference between my tears and the water. The overwhelming fear, the crippling loneliness and dark clouds I kept under lock and key in my head finally escaped and it left me a mess.

I don't remember leaving the bathroom but I woke up naked in bed with the covers above me what felt like hours later. I sat up feeling confused and wondering how I got there. Just when I was beginning to hope that I don't blackout and do things, the door opened and Sammy walked in. I raised my blanket up to cover my chest when I realised it slid down. He let out a sigh of relief before talking. "First of all, I've seen everything and you're not my type. Secondly, what the fuck was that? Were you trying to kill yourself in my house?"

"What happened?" I asked, deliberately ignoring the part about not being his type. There was no come back for statements like that.

"You happened. Cora and I were ready to leave and she came in to tell you good bye and found you passed out in the bath with the water on. Who showers with water that hot?"

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, laying back down and throwing my arm over my head. "I'm fine now, so you can go." I said, feeling exhausted. I just wanted to be alone with my demons as they swarmed around my head. I didn't need more mean words. Sure, I deserved it. Maybe I even played a major role in causing it but I still didn't deserve my present and whatever more horrors my future held.

"We need to talk."

"Please. I just want to be alone."

"You already are and probably will be in the nearest future but that's not what I want to talk about." He said and I smiled bitterly. He was right about the alone part. Those few years with him were the only bright years I ever had all my life. Cora was a beautiful and precious gift to me but there was always something missing. There were always dark shadows lurking around. I pushed the blanket off my head and looked at him expectantly.