A Father's Daughter

Chapter Twenty-Two

I haven't been able to sleep since my nightmare. Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my father slitting Spencer's throat. The entire team has noticed but none of them are willing to say anything to me about it. Well, anyone other than Spencer.

We were in Texas this past week on a case and Spencer and I stayed together in my hotel room. The first night, I woke up in a cold sweat, screaming from yet another nightmare and Spencer forced me to talk about it. I lied and said it was about Mary Ellen and that she actually managed to kill me. He held me tight and assured me that everything was okay. But every night after that I was too scared to even close my eyes because I knew what would happen as soon as I did.

So in lieu of a regular sleep schedule, I drank a ridiculous amount of red bull and tea, took caffeine pills, and took short 5 to 10 minute naps when I could because any longer and the nightmares would start. But Spencer caught on after the second day of this and tried to get me to sleep but it didn't work. We tried everything from aromatherapy to melatonin pills, nothing worked. So I suffered through it and the only downside was that Hotch made me stay back at the police station while they went to apprehend the unsub. He said that he could tell I hadn't been sleeping well and couldn't risk having me in the field.

I know the reason I'm having these nightmares is because of my guilty conscience and there's only one way to stop this. I need to tell Spencer the truth. He needs to know who my father is and the real reason I joined the BAU. Even if that means I lose him forever.

This wasn't an easy decision for me to come to terms with. My initial instinct after I had the nightmare the first time was to enact my endgame and complete my father's revenge. The plan was to kidnap Jack Hotchner and fake my own death. I was planning on forcing Hotch to live the rest of his life without knowing if his son was dead or alive, aka a fate worse than death for any parent. It's what my father would have done.

But after it kept recurring, I realized I don't want to be my father. I don't want or need to hold on to this anger and hatred for these people. People who have chosen to be kind to me and befriend me. He was right, I have gone soft and I don't think it's a bad thing. I thought I knew who I was when I started all of this and that I could be as cut-throat and evil as my father but I'm not him. I am capable of feeling empathy and compassion, something he wasn't blessed with.

This morning, I cleaned out my lair and burned all of the intel that I've gathered. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest as I watched the evidence burn. I was able to breathe a little easier knowing that this is all going to be over soon and that I can start moving on with my life.

I'm walking to Spencer's now to tell him everything and I pray that he doesn't hate me. I can't lie to him anymore. It's not fair to him and once he knows, we'll be able to actually start fresh. Only then will I be able to tell him that I am desperately, completely, and utterly in love with him.

I take a deep breath and knock on the door of apartment 23. I shove my hands into the pockets of my mom's leather jacket that I wore in an effort to comfort myself and I feel like I'm on the verge of vomiting or crying or both. I hear him undo the series of locks until he finally opens the door, revealing himself to me.

He's smiling from ear to ear as he pulls me into him, kissing me sweetly. I kiss him back, memorizing every bit of the way his lips caress mine because it may be the last time I ever feel this.

He pulls away and looks at me with kind, soft eyes, "what's up? You ready to tell me why you actually haven't been sleeping?"

I nod, but I can't bring myself to speak. I give him a small smile and take his hand, leading him to the couch. I sit down and he sits next to me, taking both of my hands in his.