Bring Me Some Bourbon 🥃

The Castle Walls

Z A I D A

The clock on the wall was ticking. Like an hourglass counting down time. I felt as though I was running out of time even though I was only 17. It felt like a lifetime ago when I was full of life. Now I feel as though Ive lived a thousand lives each one more taxing than the last. Now all I am is tired. Im even too tired to fear the dark. The dark. How ominous? Most people assume its fear of the unknown. You never really know whats lurking in the dark. My fear of the dark was much deeper and far more sinister. Though I could never quite figure out where it came from. All I knew is that I was afraid of it. And that was okay. When I was 5 anyway. Now Im 17 and Im just pathetic. People call my fear a phobia in hopes of making me feel better. But if people saw what I saw in the dark maybe they wouldnt call it a phobia, maybe theyd call it trauma. Too bad I can hardly remember what I saw in the dark. My psychiatrist says its a good thing. Sometimes its best to forget the things that haunt us, she said. I want to believe her. But I find it scarier not knowing because I jump at the strangest of things and certain smells make me uneasy. Certain coffee scents make me uneasy. Im a coffee fiend so Im sure you see how well that works out for me. Sometimes I want to know so badly why Im scared of the dark that I pick at the memories until it becomes a bit more clear, and then when it does clear up I dont sleep for days too scared to close my eyes and see the monsters hiding in the dark. I have lots of monsters living in my head. My poor mind is so fractured I developed Mania depression. I always knew I was fucked up. I just never realized how much until I started going to therapy again. Mania depression, PTSD, anxiety, parasomnia and counting because every time I go to therapy they figure out just how much more Im fucked up. The teenager in me wants to cuss the word out for being so unfair and ruining my life. The old woman inhabiting my body says that my life was already ruined. Now I just have an explanation for my unusual behavior. My psychiatrist says that its because of all the trauma Ive been exposed to that developed it. I sometimes think she thinks Im stupid. I mean shes not wrong but a little faith in me wouldnt hurt. She says some people are just wired differently from the start but my wires got fucked up along the way. Just my fucking luck I guess. She handed me a stack of papers with information on all my disorders. I read them all when I got home. And when everyone was asleep I cried. All I ever wanted was to be happy. Now Im not even sure if any of the times I was happy were real or all in my head because of my mania. I guess Im just not meant to be happy. Maybe Im meant to be some lonely god. Destined to watch everyone else find happiness. A lonely god. That doesnt sound too bad. Id still be a god. Despite my fear of the dark I like to climb on my roof at night because up there I can be sad and cry and just let go of all my problems without anyone watching me bleed yknow. The piercing winds swirl around me, and bite at my skin. They remind me Im still alive. How tragic? Dark clouds engulf the sky the same way they engulf my mind in a sad attempt to numb the pain. Its too bad because I like the pain. I relish in the pain.I always did prefer physical pain over emotional pain. Thats why I loved getting into fights. I lie on top of the roof looking up at the sky. Listening to the resonating lightning strikes. God. I wonder where he is. In the midst of my self-destruction, I wonder where the fuck he is. My lord and savior. Complete bullshit. God has never come to save me. The bitter cold attacks my body. Once again reminding me that Im still chained to the world of the living. Forced to walk amongst the monsters disguised as men. I still have flashbacks. Sometimes they last seconds or minutes. The worst ones are the ones that last hours. My psychiatrist calls it PTSD. Cool another explanation for my odd behavior I guess. Sometimes I think its easier to tell people youre all fucked up. Because then you avoid all the questions that come along with telling why life is a bitch. I still get nightmares. Sometimes the nightmares come alive in my room. My psychiatrist calls it parasomnia. I just call it fucked in the head. I wonder what Ill have the next time I see her. She always finds an explanation for the things I feel. And if she doesnt have an answer during that session shell have one in our next session. I can always count on her to make everything less confusing. Although sometimes I wish shed stop finding more fucked up from my head. Sometimes I wish I was a normal teenager. With regular boy problems and what not. Itd be a hell of a lot easier than what I have going on now. Dont even get me started on my girl problems. Thats a shit show I dont want to even look at. Being bisexual is all fun and games having double the choices until you realize you have double the problems. Because I couldnt be more split. I always wonder what life would be like if I was normal. Id have a normal relationship with people and I wouldnt be as crazy and maybe Id have a steady romantic relationship. But life isnt fair or easy and my life is a fucking mess and I wouldnt be surprised if it went up in flames any day now. The loney street light on my street is doing its best to illuminate what it can. I can still remember the street light getting shot up anytime it was fixed. I hated when the street light was out. The street looked so dark and murky in the dead of night. It was terrifying. I close my eyes. Nightmares plague my mind. Hands pulling at me. Shadows clamoring. Monsters growling. The hands tug harder. My head was dunked under water with hands wrapped tightly around my neck. I still remember his face. Maybe it would be better if I didnt. I begged my mind to wake up. But I was still there. Still drowning. I claw at the hands depriving me of air. Fear infected my body. It took hold of me. Held me captive. And it hasnt let go of me since. Finally, I was brought to the surface. Tossed aside like a rag doll. The cold bitter ground greeted me. Arms engulfed me soon after. I can faintly hear indistinct crying. But I was too busy trying to expel the water from my lungs, to care or figure out who it was coming from. I was floating. Not physically anyway. I was like a feather caught in the wind. I was completely lost. Lost within the reces my mind.

I was afraid of having my head go underwater after that. I always saw his face in the waves above. Just like the man that lurks in the dark, this man lurks in the water. It took me a long time to get over the fear of having my head underwater. But no matter how hard I try my fear of the dark wont let me go. It still refuses to set me free. Thats when I met him.

He promised me that he would help me get rid of my fears. That together we would vanquish all of my monsters and exorcise all the demons that haunted me. You know what the saddest part is. I let him in. I did this to myself. So now I have no one to blame but myself. He gave me hope. And it was something that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I should have known he was no good. He had a crooked smile and a gleam in his eyes. Go figure it was from the evil that lies within them. His lies cost me everything. My mind. My spirit. My friends. Myself. And somehow that was far worse than all the rest. I see my monsters banging at the gates. They know Im weak. They know I dont have the strength to fight them off this time. Tearing at the walls in my mind. I feel my lungs burn again, fear rearing its ugly head. I cant breathe. Mr. Fear, please. Black dots invade my vision. No! I cant move. Time froze. And for a single moment everything was silent. Like it should have been all along. Then all hell broke loose. The castle walls were one of the only things standing between me and all the monsters. They were coming for me. Ready to completely annihilate me. Just like they did my childhood. Dark clouds appeared in the sky. The monsters laugh loudly as they race toward the fortress in my mind. Another barrier between them and me. They know the castle lies inside. My last sanctuary. They think theyve won the war. They're coming full speed at me. I ran inside the castle. Locked the doors. Sealed the windows. I was at war. At war within my own mind. A war that should have never been. Mr. Fear held me captive. He whispered lies into my mind. And I believed him. I didnt trust the beating thing in my chest. It bled. I relied on my mind. Now that too has been compromised. Cracks in the walls of the fortress. I know I shouldve fixed the cracks. But Im self destructive. I like to make myself bleed. I let myself fall apart. There was no Prince Charming coming to save me. Just like there was no God. Ever since I was little its been me, myself, and I to the very end. And yet there is still a stubborn part of me that believes that someone is still coming.

My life is a book I dont like reading. Its the kind of book you read once and can never read again because of how torn up it leaves you. So I locked its chapters away. They still come back to haunt me. Sometimes I can't wrap my head around why I let this happen. Why I let him control me. Why I let him consume me? Why? Its the constant question I ask myself. Why did I lose the fight in me? Why did I become a puppet? Why did I let him in? Why did I believe him? Why, why, why. This isnt me. My shadows and monsters running wild. Banging at the door. Rising when the sun dies. This. Isnt. Me. I retreated into the castle. My last sanctuary. The only place I had left to hide. They were coming. They were angry. They were tired of being locked away. They were tired of being forgotten. My monsters wanted to be known. They no longer wanted to live alongside the Shadows. But something I never realized was that without me. They were nothing. Without me no one would even know they existed. They will die out with me. And somehow. I found power in knowing that without me, they are nothing. Even though I had lost my wings. Somehow I was still flying.