Dancing with Tears In My Eyes

The Final Word

This is the end of the blog. I know, it's actually really sad. But, it's also a very proud moment. I have finished what people said I would not. I have gotten my story out there for the whole world to see. I have let go of what was hurting me most. I have managed to overcome the demons that came along with the memory.

And most importantly, I have let go.

This page is a message wall (kind of) where I'm going to put a last message to each of the "characters" mentioned in the blog.

The college that I went to between 5th September 2012 and 20th June 2014 is King Edward VI College, in Nuneaton.

I'm not trying to drag the name of the college through the mud so to speak. I just want people to  make the connection between the person and the college. I don't want people to have to go through what I did when I was a student there. It's been eleven months of absolute hell. I endured six more months of feeling like my world was going to end before I left, and five months of panic attacks and vomiting on sight of him since I have left. And all the while the fateful words that Mr. Brightside said to me on that day still ring true in my ears.

Firstly:

To the Head of Year 12, Lorraine Thompson

I just wanted to say a great big thank you for all of the help and support that you gave me over my two years at KEGS. I meant to come and say it before I left, but I was in no fit state to do so.  Without your help, I don't think what was happening inside my head would have been spotted until it was far too late. I am forever grateful that you recommended that I seek outside help. I was lucky enough to be able to spend a year with the Early Intervention team, and I now hope to be discharged back to my GP shortly.

Secondly:

To Julie Bridge:

(known in the blog as My Fair Lady)

A relationship such as ours was always going to be toxic from the beginning. I know that you have  job to do, but students like me do value our own privacy.

To the Head of Year 13, Viv Wood

(known in the blog as The Dragon Lady)

I just wanted to apologise for reporting what had happened to me, and then trying to get some action taken on it. Clearly you don't think that something as serious as a derogatory remark followed by seriously telling someone to go and die warrants a proper inquiry and investigation. I would like to advise you not to go around calling mentally ill students 'mental delinquents', and then putting their names on a green form so that you can threaten to kick them out of college if you have to. I am very glad that I was able to continue to the end of my exams, and that you did not get your wish to kick me out before then. I would also like to advise you not to lie to the face of mental health intervention workers, just to favour your own end of the bargain and to cover for your mistakes.

One last thing: your body language and patronising, and artificially bright tone when you talk to any young person strongly suggests that you don't want to be working with people of the age group. If this is the case, then please do not take it out on other students. I think you do far more damage inside than you realise.

Lastly:

To Adam Wright

(known in the blog as Mr. Brightside)

I don't really know what to say to you.

I want to say that I'm very grateful for all the help you gave me over the past year and a half, even when I was stressing out and really really couldn't do it. You helped me out when no one else could. You were there for me when I was completely on my own. You helped me when I was stuck and didn't know what was right and what was wrong. You helped me through the darkest days and the darkest hours. Thank you.

But then something happened and you hurt me. You told me that I wasn't good enough, that I was damaged beyond repair, that I was on the scrapheap. You hurt me and I really thought you were going to be the end of me. I don't understand what happened. The logical part of my brain can't connect the dots. You made my life turn from hopeful to hell. You made me so ill. You made me sicker than I have ever been before. Because of your actions, I nearly died. I tried so hard to do as you said. I wanted so badly to do as you said. You made me ill. You made me unable to eat. You made me miserable. Because of you, I couldn't talk. You managed single handedly in the space of a minute to destroy what I had been working so hard to build up over the past six months. I don't think you realise the full extent of the damage that you have done to me. I want to forgive you for what you have done to me, and I have tried to let go of it. But I can't do it. There's not enough mercy left inside of me for that. You hurt me too much for that.

I've seen you since, and I think there's something wrong. There's a few little tell-tale markers. You know that saying that you can't BS a BS-er? Well, you cant hide your feelings from someone who has the same feelings.

I want to understand what I did to you to make you hurt me. I really want to understand. I've asked for mediation from the college, but they won't give it. I need to speak to you again face to face, because I can't spend the rest of my life having panic attacks and throwing up every time I see you.

I know that you're young, and you're naïve. But you are not a child, and you need to learn that you can't live your life by hurting everyone. It isn't fair and it's not right.

I know that above all, all you want to be is a teacher. I've seen how when you talked about starting your PGCE to the form last year that your eyes lit up, and it looked like it was your one dream, the one thing you wanted above everything else. I'm human, and I can't bring myself to take that away from you, no matter how much I think that you don't deserve it. I know you will probably end up teaching psychology, which means that you should have known better about how it would make me react, but for god's sake, please learn something from this, and please don't do it again. you almost killed me. I am not lying when I say that to you. Millimetres either way, and I would have got an artery.

I know that you have your own problems and your own issues, but please don't take them out on students, especially not the more vulnerable ones. I had many of my own issues, and I have never taken them out on another person, ever. I am still human after all you have done to me, and I know that if there is ever a time that you need someone to listen to you, then you know where to find me.

You might have ruined my life, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel anything when I think about the ruin something like this could make of yours.

The Final Word-

So this is the actual end. The last words of the blog *sobs*. It's been a great big super-huge rollercoaster to write. I didn't even know if I would ever get it finished. It's been that turbulent to write. But I had to get it out of my head. The governors at the college have not responded to taking any action against Adam, and I now have to live with that. However, I do intend to write a full report and send it to the Warwickshire Education Authority. As I understand it, I am allowed by law to attach a report to the file of a teacher, that will only be opened if the teacher is subject to a full inquiry in the future.

I know that I'm not the first to be emotionally abused by Adam Wright, and that I will not be the last.