A Trees Life

The Bad Stuff

Dear Kitty,

 I dont know why... Im questioning ever putting this up but I feel like everyone should know all sides to me... Not just that I'm smart or "pretty" or funny or whatever people say. I feel you have the right to KNOW who I am. Im not gunna hide behind some curtain and tell you I am a sexy supermodel with fantabulous grades and personality. And I have tried to make a post like this SOOO many times but it really scares me to be so exposed... But who cares... This is me. My deep sometimes dark side. If you want to stick to this false facade that I am perfect and charming then go ahead dont read this, just wait for my next post or something it really wont bother me.. Otherwise, you wanna know my flaws? know me? Read on... 

I dont know if I really want you to read on tho.. If you agree with something I say click 'vote' if you wanna post hate or something; theres a comment box bellow... I highly doubt anything you say could be worse than what I have already said/heard... but give it ur best shot I guess...?

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**Im indecisive because I feel my opinion doesnt matter.

**Im self-concious because I'm worthless.

**Im tired because I feel alone.

**When I'm stressed I shut down.

**Just because my eyes dont tear doesnt mean my heart doesnt cry

**I want to be your idea of beautiful, but I doubt I am.

**Sometimes we smile, to hide our frowns. Sometimes we smile wide, to hide the tears.

**Im sick of crying, will you make me smile?

**Im wise. Not smart. Not intelligent. WISE!! What does that mean? Well it means I have a good understanding of the world, I know people, and most of all I do stupid stuff only to realize that it was a bad idea in the first place.

**When I was little I was manipulative, decieving, and bossy...  I think if I wasnt so affraid of breaking the rules I could be an unbeatable criminal mastermind... *~*

**I never wanna go out because I know that I will see skinnier prettier girls than me.

**Everytime I break up with a guy I feel like a monster, because they always tell me how much they still love me, and I just dont feel the same way. I know I will forever be their "first love" when they were nothing more than another "break up" ):

**Ever had a guy almost kill himself over you!? :'( Yet you didnt even feel the slightest bit guilty because you had told him the truth and theres no way around that. 

**I care too much about screwing things up for others. Everyone comes first on my list but me.

**"Have you ever noticed the saddest person always has the most beautiful smile?" Its because happiness is incredible.Personally, it brings me out of the darkness and into a brief second of overwhelming admiration. So yes smiles are more beautiful on sad people because it means more to them.

**When I am crying and someone hugs me I cry even harder... I dont know why... I guess I just come to the realisation that Im acting so weak and all I can do is just let it all out.

**Sometimes I cant breathe. My mind stops working, my head pounds, I get dizzy... And then I fall.

**Girls scare me because I know how evil we can be

**My family hates me. Im sure of it... Every time I mess up their there to lash out at me about it, use it as an excuse to screw with me and make my life even worse... I have been bullied multiple times but there is nothing worse than being called a spoiled brat, a heartless @$$hole, worthless b!tch, and a mouthy smart@$$ by the ones who are supposed to love you most... I mean if they dont love me then who will? :'(

**I've thought about suicide a couple times... But thats like admitting defeat... And Im too stubborn for that... Plus even though people always seem to hurt me, when people die everyone suddenly cares about them and grieves and cries and mourns... I wouldnt want to be the cause of that.

(Totally off topic but about the whole Amanda Todd thing, I know people die all the time, and most all dont get some huge sob story about it. And yes I understand they didnt have to flash anyone to do it either. But most stories arent any bigger than "they were bullied so they killed themselves", the news choose this story because it was "larger than that". Now before you get upset at me and object -I object too, its just Im looking at it from their point of view- think about it. Her death symbolizes ALL THE OTHERS, the publicity of her death just represents the other deaths as well. Its to warn the public of suicides in teens due to bullying and harassment. I know your upset that others with more honorable stories have died and not been listed but at least they are trying to reach out. Amanda Todd made one little mistake. And next thing we know the whole world is hating on her. We all make mistakes; if I based my judgement of you off your biggest mistake or dirtiest secret you wouldnt be too thrilled now would you!? Yes, her mistake was big and it cost her her life, but maybe just maybe if someone would have reached out their hand to this girl who was constantly harassed by classmates and this old jerk@$$ dude than maybe she wouldnt have been so depressed and wasting your time laughing at her and making jokes about drinking bleach.. -.-)

**I say Im gunna be forever alone because I dont love; I dont get attatched. I enjoy the memories not the person. Its horrendous I know... But people always hurt you, they change they leave... Im so used to adapting to this change that I forgot how to geniunely love or care for someone. So yeah I still hold onto the hope that someday I will meet the love of my life and he will change that.

**I may not love but I will always care, always forgive, and always feel empty when you are gone.

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I dont know what else to write soo yeah... I'm probably gunna try to post a bunch of stuff tomorrow to cover this... But Im not gunna delete it so... hope ya dont hate me... Im just being honest...