left eye high || lh *rewriting in the future*

09. Ecstasy

I couldn't really tell if I was breathing.

Luke didn't plan to do this when he wrote the reminder; I could feel that in his kiss. Every ounce of it radiated impulse and unrestraint. I'd never been kissed this way.

Time seemed almost ambiguous or indefinite, like everything surrounding us was rushing about and, though our mouths moved anything but slowly, we were separated from it. Fucking hell, Luke.

We'd made it onto his mattress, he on top of me, with his fingertips tracing goosebumps into small trails above the waistband of my jeans and my hips pressing upward to remove any distance between us.

My mind was numb; I was either thinking too much or not at all, and the only things I was sure of were his hands and his lips.

Then I pulled away.

"I-" I paused and put both of my shakey hands on Luke's chest. His heart was racing. "I, um- I don't know I- I'm sorry." I don't know why I stopped.

Luke stared at my face another few moments before moving away to sit beside me. I sat up as well so that I was facing him while he faced foward. Neither of us said a word, my eyes on Luke's puzzled face as his stared straight ahead at the blank wall. I couldn't tell which of us he was confused at.

"I'll eat that pizza now if it makes you feel better," I offered with a half-assed smile, trying to lighten the mood or tension or whatever was currently between us.

He laughed quietly. "I'm not upset over you, sweetheart." He still didn't look at me as he ran a hand through his already messy hair.

"I probably could've told you that." I mumbled under my breath. I couldn't imagine someone, much less Luke, being upset over me.

With his last statement I realized that the only feeling he had, and will ever have, toward me was pity. Pity for the damaged girl whose baggage is shown plain and clear to everyone by the scar on her face.

Luke finally turned and looked me in the eyes, but I didn't return his gaze. I stood up from his bed and straightened my clothes.

"Thanks for the gesture, Luke. I do appreciate it. I'm sorry it was because you felt obligated to." I paused and picked my phone up from where I'd initially been sitting. "I'm really okay. I mean, with the Calum thing and all. I'm sorry if it seemed like I wasn't and that pressured you into this. So, um- do you want help cleaning up or anythi-"

"No, it's fine. Thanks." He interrupted.

"Well, thanks again." I kept my eyes on my feet as I walked out of his bedroom.

While walking through the kitchen I noticed a yellow notepad on the counter next to his fridge and absentmindedly grabbed the pen that was next to it. I scribbled down my number and signed '-R' below it. I didn't know if I expected a call or if I expected him to ignore it, and I wasn't sure which I hoped for. I think I was looking for some sort of confirmation of something, either way.

I was blurry minded again. Shock just stirs up my every immediate and every suppressed thought and swirls them together until they're nothing but a faint subconscious.

I pulled both sides of my jacket together and held them tightly to my body to keep warm as I left his apartment and walked to my car. I fumbled with the keys for a bit before it fit correctly and I got inside.

My letter still rested face down on the seat where I left it.

I have to open it. I need to know.

I hesitantly grabbed the letter and pulled up the already opened flap. I still didn't know who'd read it already. I closed my eyes before taking a deep breath and unfolding it.

"Ms. Reyna Johnson,"

I took another breath.

"Congratulations..."

- LUKE'S POV -

What the fuck was that.

I heard Reyna's car leave and I finally stood up from my bed. I ran both hands through my messed up hair and wished it was her still doing so.

I don't really know why. I don't really know how I even feel about her. She's confusing as shit.

Looking back on it I guess the pizza and candles and shit were more romantic than I anticipated, I mean it was just kind of a cheesy antic to cheer her up from whatever she almost drove into a damn river for.

But kissing her was definitely more romantic than I anticipated, not that I'd thought about it for more than a half second.

I don't think I could've stopped myself from doing it. It's like she had her own little gravitational pull when she kept playing with her tongue between her teeth and giggling and when she actually looked me in the eyes. Her eyes were probably half the problem. I couldn't tell if they were gray or green or blue or something in between and they were just as confusing and intriguing as she was.

Fucking hell, Reyna.

I want to know why she stopped. I want to know why she pulled away when there was that sort of blissful ecstasy between us; there was no way she couldn't feel that. I want to know why she was so upset when I said that I wasn't.

I'm going to find out why, no matter how deeply rooted the answer may be, and whether she even knows the answer or not.

I'm going to change her mind.

+ a/n Luke's POV was so hard to write and I don't like it at all ugh this chapter is poop I was just tryna make his thoughts a little more clear idk ?! anyway I love when u guys comment so so much & just thank u if ur reading this story !