Error609

2

The red sparrow climbed the tree to meet his soul mate , and from that , they flew away in the blue sky . As they dive from a cloud to another , uncaring to the mortel world under their brown wings . They danced together as nothing mattered in the existence , but themselves .

I may be an adventurous person , and lived for so long in an emotional solitude , willingly . I still crave for that moment that will set me free . I firmly believe in soul mates. That there is someone out there , divinely made for you . A person that will unshackle you from the dullness of the world and its bleak moments .

However as time passes by , I realize the many chances that I miss , because I just believe so much in this theory without proof except my instincts , without a witness except my memory . I do not deny that a handful of boys in my school , and outside have asked me to go out with them in dates .But because my hunches seemed unsettling on a clear decision , I kindly decline their offer .It has gone to the extent that some people think that I am a lesbian . But I got that fixed by making out with a random boy in some girl's birthday party in my sophomore year . Not that I have something against being a lesbian , but it wasn't me , and it would ruin the chances that a guy would come forward to me and ask me out again .

 It seems a little bit confusing that I like that , knowing that I would deny it anyway . Maybe , there is that satisfactory factor that you're not invisible . That you have a certain influence on the guys you like .

I've developped a distinct appetite to twist others emotions , and situations. It's almost a game and my reward is how much time i can hold it  and how perfectly i predict the pieces will move to the right place.

It starts always with a look , shy glimpses that you intently showcase , but in the manner that they emerged naturally . Innocent smiles and small exchanges in class . Slowly you feel the strings that you sat , and the pull that you are doing is working . The gravity force that you implemented are soothing and poisonous , so they quickly fall into your bed trap . But then they seem to lose their charm in my eyes . The boys that were at first instances glowing like jewellery , became dull rocks . So , I leave . I refuse their offers ,and I move on until an other interesting one comes along .

I always wonder whether my doings are wrong . Factually , I know that there is no harm done to anyone , however , it doesn't subtract that it is manipulation . At its first stages ? surely ,but it is still there . I always knew that something twisted resides within me , the only thing stopping it from surfacing is being deprived from the power to show it .

Nevertheless , in my junior year , I stopped this behaviour . Well , I didn't shut it down to be honest . I only coerced this dark energy to another place , rather in my school .

 I  just feel somehow guilty for  deceiving  them. 

Stumbling one day to an app that I won't dare spill it's name , because it is real . I was giving the opportunity to limit the direct interaction and thus the guilt was fading away . I got hooked to it . Everyday , every night . The gifts would pile up in a corner in my dressing room . My aunt doesn't notice anything ,because she doesn't dare to step in the jungle that I humbly call it "my room " . Most of them are lingerie that customers ask me to wear for them . they are a bit older , but given that I have prominent curves I don't find that much of a trouble . Now , I don't deny that there are some really dangerous people on it .

Of course it's the hidden side of the internet. Terrifying content is trafficked heavily through this application . It is still running just due to it's privacy policy and no one really pays attention to it.

  However that is the thrill of it all . The rush from pleasing someone and knowing that you are dealing with no normal person , makes me squirm at night out of excitement . The more stakes are high , the more I bet on it . that's why I am good at it . It's only a question of a rush and how much you are willing to risk in order to win . If it is not a demon that possesses me at night , then certainly  I am wired wrongly . Little Horns , creep up , upon my head , and I enjoy the throne I sat for myself . I'm afraid that I have grown addicted to it . The more I sink in it , the more I find myself isolated from the world . Sometimes I find myself laying on the ground , in the middle of the night , drunk from the alcohol that I stole from my aunt , crying for the emptiness that invaded me this year . I felt like a shell .Ready to be used . It was only fortunate that my brain functions at last moments , refusing some of the clients requests . Or it would've been a disaster . I want to leave this toxic environment , and this treatment that I put myself go through knowing that it only degrades me .

Yet something within me loves to be tortured, as I find it a daily dose of dopamine . This dilemma that I have discovered in me lately is more sinister then anything I ever sensed in me . It terrifies me , because I know the consequences that it carries . "I need to delete it" is what I tell myself everyday . However I frequently lose to meet this request . Am I going to succeed this time? I promised myself a fresh start  this senior year . I'm planning to sell my account and everything within it ,I'm only waiting for the right buyer . I want to purify my mind and soul , I don't want to get to this low point of my life again , where only confusion , sexual undercurrents , and toxicity reigns . I want normal stuff .

With all this ramble of words , returning to our first point . I want to find my true mate . yet with all what I have done , and under scrutiny , true feelings may never exist and I should move on about that . 

 I guess ....