MORTEM: Memento Mori

Chapter 1 - Alone

After hours of staring at the ceiling of my room, the sunlight finally seeped into my room. It is a cue for me to stop wasting my time overthinking and start moving. I don't want to go outside but I had to. I had to go to school and graduate. I have lost the motivation to do anything but I know I have to do something that's why I'm going to school. I can atleast have something to do when I go to school. School tasks and projects makes me feel like a robot but I am atleast doing something instead of just staring at the void. I rubbed my eyes and stretched my hands. Then I got up and started to prep myself.

As I prepare everything that I need before going to school, all I can feel is the void that's slowly eating me up as the days pass by. The thing that I am afraid of is when the day comes where the void has already taken over my soul. I don't know what I might do when that day happens, it scares me but what scares me the most is when I can finally be able to do things that I once used to be scared of.

Now that I'm done preparing everything that I need, I stare at myself in the mirror for a few minutes before leaving. I'm not trying to look good, I just stare at myself for a few minutes because I'm afraid that a time will come when I no longer know who I am anymore, when I can no longer see myself no matter how long I stare at the mirror. I am afraid because I have the feeling that I'm slowly getting there. I am slowly forgetting who am I.

While I'm riding the bus to school, I'm listening to 2000's rock music and looking at the view outside as if I've never been in this town. This is what I've been doing these days whenever I ride the bus. I used to have small talks and laugh out loud until my stomach aches along with my friends while we ride the bus before going to school together. But now they're gone and here I am listening to music to fill the silence.

I arrived just right on time and as soon as I put my bag down, our Professor then came into our room and immediately started the discussion. While listening to the discussion, I just can't focus to what our Professor is talking about because my mind wanders to a different place, thinking about random things in my life. The discussion is boring so I can't help but to lose my attention and think of other things that are not totally related to the topic being discussed.

Because I'm too preoccupied with my own thoughts, I was shocked when I found out that it's already our lunch break. I am annoyed by the noise made by my classmates. They're giggling, chitchatting, and talking as if they've never seen each other for long when in fact, they see each other everyday. I plugged in my earphones so I won't hear them and left our room.

Most of the students go to the cafeteria along with their friends or lovers, while me, I go by myself. While walking along the hallway of our school building, I can sense the judgemental gaze of the people around me. I am annoyed but I can't even tell them to stop looking at me like that. I know very well that I did something very unpleasant which made them act like that. It makes me feel undeserving to live. From time to time, I wish that I should've just died back then.

When I arrived at the cafeteria, I noticed that Ice and I.N came there together. They used to be my friends until a mistake happened, a very big mistake of mine. I wanted to turn around and leave the cafeteria but I know I can't avoid them for long. So I just act as if I haven't seen them at all. I then looked for a table that is far from them so they won't notice me but as soon as I put my food tray on the table, Ice went in front of me.

"Yow, pwede ba makiupo dito?" Ice asked innocently while I.N stood beside him, still carrying his food tray. I.N looked at me with his poker face.

I was stunned with what just happened. My mind went totally blank and I stood there frozen.

Ice proceed to sit down even though I still haven't given him any response.

"Oh ano pang tinatayo mo dyan? Di ka ba nangangalay?" Ice asked I.N who's still standing beside him.