Something blue, something real

Chapter 10

Mommy

Today is the 15th of March 2014 and you just broke my heart. I came to you in tears and you told me to leave you alone. You don't want to hear it. I listened. I cried and walked past you to see Ashley. When I came back you were mad. after you sent me away you came and listened to Tori's side of the story. You told me I am useless and retarded and yelled at me for crying when you did. That made me so sad Mom. I wanted you to listen to me for once.

I remember that day. Tori and I were home alone and the boys were doing something with dad. She invited a friend over while our mother was at work and they spent the day making me their servant. I didn't want to say no, because Tori would tell her mom that I was disobedient. I finally said no and she did, she told mother I was undermining her authority as eldest, I was disobedient and disrespectful and my mother told Tori that if I ever tell her no again she can beat me.

Mom, 25 dec 2016

You caught me drunk last night. You asked me why. Dad was so disappointed, he cried. His twelve year old was absolutely out of it on Christmas eve. I don't know why I did it. I just felt so happy when I was drunk. I never even had a single sad thought. I knew you wouldn't like it but for that moment I felt good and happy and I haven't felt it since I moved here. I don't remember last night but I remember you sending Tori to pick me up and when we came inside she said, "Look at her, mom. she's drunk. beat her." I hate her. She's always making us fight, you don't love me because of her. I want you to love me too Mom.

Mom, 15jan 2018

You found out I had a secret boyfriend. I could see how hurt you were because you had to find out from someone else. You told me that I should tell you about this stuff and I felt bad for not telling you about Vin. You always said you'd kill me if you found out I had a boyfriend so I was scared to tell you and kept it from you. I am so sorry for hurting your feeling Mommy. I'll be better I promise.

Mom, 18 March 2018

I got my first period but I was too shy to tell you, I stole your tampons, sorry mom. We also ran out of tampons and then I had to tell you. I told you in secret. I didn't want to tell everyone because I saw how they reacted when I got my boobies I didn't want it to happen again. You said it would be our private little thing but I heard you tell Tori I was menstruating, and your sister know now too. I got uncomfortable and they made jokes about it. You broke your promise. I asked you why a little while ago, you said they're my family. They're supposed to know. I don't understand why what comes out of my vagina is their business but maybe my period is just making me overreact. I can't tell you any other secrets anymore though. You keep telling people and when I ask you tell me you're my mom, you're allowed to.

Mother, 9 October 2018

I came out to you as bi today. Introduced you to Ashley, she looked perfect. Her blonde wavy hair tied up how you like it and she wore her favourite white dress to impress you. I wanted you to be happy for me but you told me it was just a phase, "That girl" is taking advantage of you. You're just confused. You can't like both genders, i'm confused. I am hetero you said. I saw Ashley's soul crumble when you rejected her. She wanted you to like her so bad, but you probably didn't expect my beautiful an bubbly girlfriend to put you in your place for saying all those things, did you? You didn't deserve to meet her. She deserves better than to be in the presence of closed minded assholes like you. Ash deserves only the best in life. I love her, Mother. not that you care.

Mother, 1 September 2019

Apparently your role as my birth giver now gives you the right to invade my privacy. I have hated being nude in front of people forever but today you yelled at me for not being comfortable with your eyes scanning my naked body. "I changed your shitty diapers, Tommy." I don't shit myself anymore mother. Lord forbid I ever say anything about it because then I have to hear the, "I am your mother, I am always right and how you feel is wrong" speech and I don't have the time or energy. Today was also the day I decided I won't be having kids in the future. I wanted some with Ashley before the accident because I knew she would have been a great mother, and make me somewhat less of a fuck up. She's gone now and I can't do to other kids what you do to me. Hurt people, hurt people.