"hai there toots" screamed Leon Harley of One Dorection, whose emo black hair hung over his eye like my one direction curtains over my window, pinned in place by a 1930s bowler hat. His birthday cake of a face was iced in sexy white foundation, with a 1904 Cabanas Cuban cigar birthday candle glued in place by his huge sopping lips. His 5sos t-shirt was covered partially by his black vest, and he held a Tommy gun loose by his side, with the drum against his One Direction sweet pants.
I stood there taking in the raw sex appeal of this beautiful piece of sourdough bread with sourcraut and garlic butter of a man for a moment and then asked "OMG DO I GET 2 LIVE EOTH ONE DIRECTION??????" (A/N: OMG OMG OMG ITS HAPPENING I CANT BELIEVE ITYESYEYSYS)
"Like steam rising off the pavement in the dimly lit streets of New York, your time with us will be transient, but oh so sweat" Lean leaned against my mother like she was a wall, and flicked his Harry Styles solo project lighter cooly, pressing the flame as close to his cigar as he could. It wouldn't light though. The cigar was soaking and limp from his facial excretions. His nose was running, and the snot was mixing with his saliva in the cigar-- a viscous stream of fluid poured from the end he was trying to light onto his lighter, extinguishing the flame.
"See, what I need you to do is pretend to be my ex-wife. There's this barista at a coffee shop who I want to use as a witness in a court case that would, if successful, get me outta this stupid alimony payment. Think you're the girl for the job? I need you to be so mean and horrible to me." His eye squelched sexily as he winked at me. Like one of those plastic cups of slime when you push on the slime. I said "ya" and that was that. He drove me to Starbucks in his Honda Civic and wouldn't you know it. He wasn't lying. They had a barista. As soon as we arrived I told him that I needed to put on my ex-wife makeup, and excused myself to the bathroom. Once there I logged into the wifi. "Ex wife makeup tutorial" is what I googled, and I watched about 2 hours worth of videos before finally gaining the confidence to make myself look like an ex wife. I wrote "Sharon Styles" on my forehead (classic ex-wife name) and sauntered back out to sit with him. But as soon as I exited, I saw the barista with one end of his sopping cigar in her mouth, while the other end of it was in his. Lady and the tramp style. I think he saw me out of the corner of his eye because he began chewing.
"HOW COUDK YOU CHEW MY EXHUSBANDS CIGAR!?" I screamed like the screaming banshee. Everyone in the restaurant began crying and the menu went black in fear from my rage. I took off my one direction sneakers and put on my one direction steel-toed boots, and stomped over and kicked over the flimsy Starbucks table. I didn't mean to, but my kick was so strong it punched a hole through the whole thing.
Leon Harley gave me a playful smile while the stupid barista was staring in horror at me, Sharon Styles, and uttered these words out of his soft, lucious, dreamy, beautiful, Italian lips "That's my ex-wife her name is Bug Stupid, and I hate her because she's my ex-wife and so mean to me and everybody else in the entire world. I think she's a being of pure evil, something spurned by and tossed in the waves by any ship that happens to cross her path. She's an eagle and we're all rats to her. She's a rotten jar of jelly. Nobody would want her even to sniff. By the way I'm Leon Harley from one direction. And this is my Tommy gun." He pulled the Tommy gun out of his cargo shorts as he said the last part and the whole Starbucks bar clapped and cheered. The barista started to pet it like a chinchilla. She called it "chinchilla gun" that's why I know this.
While this was going on I went to my feeling place. It was a dark damp hallway full of darkness and evil. Bad things lurked there now. I thought I was only pretending to be mad at him until I read what was written on my one direction imaginary bulliten board of feelings and desires. It said "YOU"RE MAD!!!!" on one of the pieces of one direction watermarked paper. I exited my feeling place and used the spell that Lus or Zanye from one direction showed me. (they were both ghosts now so they had access to this stuff and I talked with them all the time with my wifi board) . It was a spelled called "greater one direction fireball". I got down on one knee and said "Harry styles solo album sucks I hate it I wish one direction was back to get ther, who does he think he is?" And my entire body was enveloped in a thick flame of fire, and which exploded and killed everyone in the room except Leon Harley.(it doesn't hurt members of one direction). They were pretty upset at first to be ghosts but I told them that it didn't really matter and I didn't care and they felt better. Leon Harley looked actually upset though and he said "do you see what my evil ex-wife has done? She killed me once too and also my fish and my dog and my cat and my alligator and my elderly parents and my grandparents ashes and my wife and my husband. Now she must pay. And he pulled out the Tommy gun. It went pew pew pew pew pew pew pew and everything went black.
