Squipped | Be More Chill

Love

Jeremy

I hold my phone above my face, flat on my back in our pitch black room. The blue light stings my eyes when I turn it on, but it's something I need to do. 

Hm. Nine PM. 

I glance over to Michael on the other side of the room. He faces away from me, and I'm assuming he's asleep. I study his back for a second. I like that I think of it differently now. 

Meanwhile, my fingers are moving quickly on the screen, every touch getting softer as I lose confidence. 

But she picks up. "Hello?" 

"Heyyy Christine..." I begin apprehensively. "It's Jeremy." 

"Yeah, I know your voice," she says sleepily.

Just get to the fucking point, Jer. "Um... I wanted to talk about Sean." 

"Sean? How do you even know who he is?" 

"Michael told me you'd told him. Now don't lie—did you break up with me because of him?" 

She pauses. "I—no—why would I do that?" 

"Chris," I sigh, "please. You can't get all mad at me for having had a crush on Michael when you had a crush on Sean." 

"It's different," I hear her reply behind her teeth, having given up on lying, "because I don't still talk to Sean. Or live with him." 

"Is it, Christine? This... two-month relationship of mine proved that Michael and I are friends and nothing more. And I love you so much..." 

We're both quiet. Yes, we've admitted our feelings for each other (well, vaguely, on my part), but we've never really said "I love you" since, what? December? 

"I love you, too," she whispers. "But I'm just not sure." 

"Me neither—but you weren't even the only reason I broke up with Michael!" 

"And Sean wasn't the only reason I broke up with you." 

"I know, Christine. And I'm really trying to work on not being so obsessive. You're your own girl—you've got all this stuff here at your own school. Of course I'll step back a bit." 

When she starts talking, her tone has already changed from a whisper to a sob. "I don't care. I miss you." 

I stare at the ceiling. 

"And I'm so glad you feel the same way. And that all this... relationship stuff... isn't in the way." 

My eyes dart to the empty wall by the closet. I could hang, like, a pride flag up there or something. Okay, Jeremy, focus. "So... what are we doing?" 

"I don't know, Jeremy, but I love you, too." 

Shit. Why am I about to start crying?! "I love you more." 

"It's getting late, Jeremy." 

"Yeah," I laugh. "Don't wanna go down that rabbit hole again." 

"Uh... what?" 

"Not—not our relationship!" I say quickly, and a little too loudly. "I... really want to get back together with you, Christine. I just meant... y'know, holding off hanging up like this!" 

"Yeah, you're right," she chuckles. "Well, I want that, too." 

"So... we're doing this?" 

"I suppose!" 

I laugh. "'Kay, you were right, it's getting late. I should go before Michael gets woken up." 

"Oh, shit, right! I don't wanna wake up Jenna and Brooke!" 

"Wait... Brooke?" 

"Long story! Night, boyfriend!" 

"Love you!" 

"No, I love you—" she begins, but I can tell it's in jest, since she's the one who hangs up and cuts herself off. 

And so I put my phone on my nightstand and decide to deal with these soaring feelings in the morning. 

Christine

I track down Sean later in the summer with the help of Jenna. Brooke's already moved on, back to New Jersey and applying to university, so she's not here to help. But at least we're still in touch, which I think is because she and Jenna have a sort of unspoken thing for each other. 

Anyway, the reason I'm doing this is because if there's one thing an ex-ex-boyfriend has taught me, it's that I should remain on good terms with the guy I kissed and then deserted behind a local theatre. 

He's in the library as usual, reading up on psychology. (Jeez, is he such a scholar even when we're not in school? It's best that we didn't end up together.) 

"Christine?" The young man looks past me. "...Jenna?" 

I turn around to tell my roommate, "You can go." 

"Good idea." She nods, and walks off. 

"So, uh, anyway..." I turn back to Sean, laughing nervously. 

"What do you need? Want another rebound?" he asks sarcastically. 

"Sean." I pull out the chair next to him and sit down. "I'm sorry it didn't work out. This entire thing was just... selfish of me." 

He sighs. "Me, too. Well, at the beginning. With Jenna and Heather and everyone else. But not with you." 

"But it wouldn't've worked out either way," I argue, "because I was selfish." 

"It's okay, Christine." His face is close to mine. But the crystal blue eyes before me don't have the same effect as they did on a girl without experience. 

I scoot my chair back and hold out a hand. "Are we still friends?" 

"Sure. We're still friends." He low-fives me before getting up and exiting with his books. 

I wanted a handshake, I think to myself, staring at my slapped hand. Not to mention his apparent disappointment. 

Well, he might come around. And if not, it's fine. We don't need each other. We'll both be happy. 

Michael

So much has changed. 

It's almost July, and I never thought it would turn out this way. 

When I was young, naïve, and barely eighteen, my world was something I had to rebuild while my best friend was too occupied to even notice or help. Now we've grown closer, and there doesn't seem to be a chance that he'll miss anything. 

And I was lonely, confused about what I wanted. Thinking that if I tried something and it didn't work, anything in relation would be ruined forever. But now—you know about me and Jeremy and the positive/negative effect this year has had on us. And about Rich—the "something" is already back. I'm not sure it ever left. 

To put it bluntly, we started talking again in May, and recently, I asked him out. He said yes. 

We're not rushing into anything, but I think a year was the perfect amount of time to consider what each of us really wanted for the future. 

And this is what we want. 

I did end up visiting home at least once this summer. Though I know my parents would be absolutely fine with my sexuality, I didn't come out to them. Just wasn't ready, I guess. 

But it's okay. Rich and I having this for ourselves for the time being is nice rather than stressful. 

So that's it, I suppose. Kinda gave a tour of my current life. To be honest, I was never hopeful for the future. I thought things would always screw themselves up. And obviously, they will eventually, once in a while for the rest of my life. 

But I need to really work on cherishing the sweet spots. And the fact that every screwup contributes to resulting in one.