Suicidal Midoriya x Todoroki | Invisible

4 | Overwhelmed

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide or self-harm.

Izuku Midoriya

It had been roughly a week and a half since Midoriya sent his suicide message to Todoroki, and while Midoriya hadn't planned on attempting it, he certainly contemplated the idea. He frequently found himself mentally listing off potential methods of taking his life, but once those moments concluded, he wept; he was terrified of failing to successfully end it all, and because of that, his potential suicide methods became tantalizing dreams.

Midoriya had temporarily ceased his self-injurious actions, but that did not erase the urges that his mind poured into him to drag a blade across his flesh. He had never been one to cut extraordinarily deep, however. Even the idea of cutting too deep and being faced with the choice of either bleeding out slowly or calling out for help churned his stomach.

I can't even describe the hot, awful feeling that gripped my entire body when Shouto basically told me that he's known that I cut, Midoriya thought to himself instead of focusing on his lecture. It's embarrassing enough. I'm not proud of it. I thought I was hiding the scars well, and as it is, I'm really self-conscious about them. Wait, crap, what was the formula—

Midoriya could only watch as the math formula he was supposed to write down was wiped away from the whiteboard. He lowered his head, abashed by his own idiocy. Although a part of him wished to raise his hand and ask to have the formula written again, he was acutely aware that that formula had been on the board for much longer than necessary.

Why am I like this? I used to be able to comprehend so much at once, but now I can't even focus on one cloud of thought. Pull yourself together, Izuku. Focus. Concentrate. Don't let All Might down. Don't let your friends down. Don't let anyone down. Fake a smile and act like you're fine.

Despite the smile Midoriya donned, his eyes welled up with tears each time his mind drifted to topics that he considered to be simple and normal but with darker connotations. He blinked back his tears each time, but his body implored him to break and pour out the emotions he'd bottled up. So, once his agonizing, overly mundane day at school had ended, Midoriya promptly trudged towards his dorm. He could feel his chest tightening, his vision blurring, and his breaths breaking.

I don't even know if I feel 'sad' as much I just... I don't even know. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so empty and yet so...overwhelmed? Like it's all numb, but I just kinda have an irrational, repeating signal being sent through my body to cry. Now, whenever I let the tears fall, they don't stop... I'll think I've calmed down, and then my chest heaves, and I start relapsing back into a cycle of sobbing, repressing, sobbing, repressing...

Calm down. Stop crying. Izuku, there are so many people around you. Don't embarrass yourself more. It's fine, all right? You're almost there. Then, you can calm your sorrows effectively. No. I shouldn't. But... I want to relapse. I want to cut. I want to feel something that isn't this...whatever it even is! I don't know... Don't, Izuku. I'll go to Shouto. He said he's not feeling well and skipped today, but I... I'm so selfish. I'm so, so selfish. It's selfish either way. But he'd want anything but for me to hurt myself. I feel guilty and ashamed either way...

Once Midoriya arrived at Todoroki's dorm, he vacillated between knocking on the door and simply taking his leave; he felt like he was walking on a thin tightrope with his decisions curled between his trembling digits. With a steaming sigh, he gritted his teeth and knocked on his boyfriend's door, and as those dull, hefty knocks faded from existence, silence swiftly ensued.

What was perhaps thirty seconds felt like five minutes to Midoriya as he swallowed thickly and awkwardly stood in front of the door like a puppy awaiting the return of its master. So, once that intimidating door creaked open, Midoriya lifted his head as his heart leapt in his chest. Upon seeing Todoroki's dual-colored hair, Midoriya collapsed into his partner's arms.

Sobs immediately began to drench the air as Todoroki embraced Midoriya and closed the door with his heel. He pressed his back to the door and sank down to the floor, holding his shaking boyfriend fast. Tenderly did he massage Midoriya's back and shoulders as the latter sobbed and gasped; Midoriya paused intermittently to sniffle.

"I'm here," sighed Todoroki in a zephyr-like whisper. "It's all right..."

It's not, Midoriya internally murmured. It's not... I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle my emotions without hurting myself. I don't know! He curled his fingers into Todoroki's sweatshirt as an ugly, visceral sob leaked from his mouth. I feel like screaming, but I can't. I sob, but I can't sob out the pain, the thoughts, the truth... It hurts. It hurts so much...