Late night ramblings

Yeet

Everyday my mindset slowly crawls down the bottomless pit that I dug for it, and I feel my brain slowly decreasing into nothing I wonder if I'll ever know how to be happy. I'm constantly shrouded in misery. The more I try to hide it the quicker the holes in my mask crumble under the crippling weight of my emptiness. I wonder if normal people ever feel this dark and isolated even when they are constantly surrounded with bright cheery scenes and numerous friends willing to attempt to cure my mood. I may seem like I'm having fun and joking around but inside I am slowly dying. I'm constantly filled with nothing. Endless nothing. If only I could shed a tear except there are none to shed. I remain emotionless, constantly in pain. That itself is what feels like the main reason I feel sad in general which is just stupid because it's an infinite loophole of feeling nothing yet all the pain in the world all at the same time. Sometimes I feel like ending the pain. Just ending the nothing. But I'd have to end my conscience too and however much it brings on the majority of my horrible emptiness it is yet also the only thing that can fill that void. Distractions are just distractions. They only distract you. They can't change whats already there. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. Making me feel happy or in love but then only to end it short after, to remind me how truly nothing I feel, as if laughing in my face saying,'haha as if you would actually have an emotional connection to anyone in your life! Oh no you will be truly alone forever and ever!' And that leads me to my conclusion, I have come to understand what I feel in my on means and ways and to put simply, I just don't think I care anymore. I used to feel sad about being sad but now it comes so naturally I just don't care anymore. I could just collapse and never get back up. Never ever.