talking to myself

112521 [a bonus]

Google told me that after two months, it's no longer just a "crush."

They said it's "love" after that.

However, I refuse to believe I am, and have been, in love with thEm.

They are, excuse my language here historians, basically a fuckboy and attracts all the girls' attention, which is great for someone like me.

Recently, I have re-come-to-terms with the fact that I like this guy, because I said I didn't all the time, but as soon as someone else approached them, I'd get all jealous.

Disgusting.

And now there's this new girl (her name is Hookworm in my circle) who I absolutely despise.

And I realized today that I may only really despise her because she so obviously has the biggest fattest crush on them.

But she does something about those feelings, rather than me, who has apparently "lOved" them for about 5 fucking years now.

And it's just a white boy, historians!!

Come on, where's the I'm-a-hero-of-my-times in thAt?

Of course I am proud of my religion and don't see myself following anything else, but sometimes it's really extremely hard to watch everyone else flirt and date and even just hug.

I never used to want that, but I think I've been touch-starved (or brainwashed) for too long now.

I'm nOt saying I imagine flirting and dating and hugging thEm, but just in general.

All my "competition" has about a 100% better chance at winning them because they're not religiously restricted from making moves or dating them in the future.

Even if I cOuld date them, I'd be shunned by the family for marrying someone outside of my religion, even if I converted them.

Basically, my deal with Hookworm is that she just barely showed up a year ago and probably only developed a crush on them a couple months ago when in-person school started. However, I'vE been here since before MIDDLE SCHOOL, I kNow the guy, I grew uP with the guy, so who is shE to come and most likely walk out dating him one day when I've been in "love" with them forever?

Tell me, historians, what would I do then?

Nothing. Because there really, truly is nothing I could do, nothing I cAn do.

And it'll stay that way until the day I die.