broken records/wilbur soot x female reader pov\

8.

A/N
hello!!!
so i just wanted to say i am changing the social media name to SirMedusa for plot reasons as well as the fact that medusa is one of my fave greek mythological characters <3

also trigger warning!
mentions mental health and panic attacks. as well as SH
please get some help or talk to someone if you are feeling this way, even when it into a comment and i will give you love and praise for being an amazing person <3
i hope everyone has a good day :)

Tom streams for a while, as i sit in his bed scrolling through tiktok. I felt stuck in my own head, it was like an endless spiral. I ended up putting Billie Eilish on repeat. I could relate to her music so much to a certain point, that it made me feel better. It reminded me i wasn't alone...
unless i was being too stubborn to acknowledge it.

Once tom is done streaming he still stays in his computer for a while.
"so how come your here?" he says, spinning around in his chair to face me.
"i'm not doing too great tomtom" i give him a weary smile. he looks at me with his eyes furrowed, almost confused as to why.
"i'm on new meds, and it's been fucking up my system" he gets up off of his seat and practically jumps onto me.

"nooo! my big sister can't feel like that!" he chuckles into my jumper. i stroke his hair.
"stop you'll make me cry" i giggle,
"that's will always says" he groans.
"that because you are too kind" he goes silent for a minute, but i can feel his warm breath on my chest.
"i'll be okay, eventually" i whisper.
"you best be, i need you for clout" he lets out a yelp as i smack the top of his head.
"don't be cheeky, we were having a moment"

i hold him close to me. my brother, was the best i could ask for. but i hated the idea that one day, i would never be able to hold him like this. to remind him, that i will protect and encourage him till the day i die. whether that's 10 days or 10 years. he was my baby brother, he always has been and always will be. the small bald, breathing creature i held in my arms for the first time 17 years ago. of course when your 5 the first moments of meeting the new addition to the family are pure, and photo album worthy. of course that leads to years of hell.
my mental health had defiantly affect my family over the years. my bipolar and anxiety made it hard for me to have good days. i also aye had to be doing something to keep my mind fork over thinking. I enlisted in figure skating when i was seven, started the drums when i was 9, then began guitar months later. i was even on the basket ball team for 3 years. to make myself even more special i was in a band with my best friends- Lily and Mariya.
but none of that helped with my family, i trended to be out of the house a lot due to school, and my hobbies. and then of course i was a mentally ill teenager which isn't the best mix.

And yet somehow Tom was always one of my biggest supporters. i remember when i had a really bad panic attack whilst i was baby sitting him l. he taught himself how to put the fries and chicken nuggets in at the age of 7. because i want able to help him.

Too bad i took everything for granted.

my thoughts had pulled me into the depths of sleep. and i guess it had taken over thomas as well.

Throughout the week.

I tended to stay off of social media throughout the week. i hung out with tom a lot, we went and played some basketball, we even cooked together at home. Which had mum terrified. We are our family dinners, and took betty and walter (i think tommyinnit's other dog is called walter pls correct me if i'm wrong) out for walks. i had gotten back into our routine at home.
of course i still had really bad panic attacks, i just made sure to put my headphone sub and zone out for a bit. steady my breathing l, and focus on something else in the room.

i had gotten a couple texts from my friends. although wilbur hadn't sent me anything. my heart often felt like it was going to drop off of my chest. it was almost as if he didn't care?
i couldn't stay there like that. surely he would understand? i didn't want to affect his mental health, with mine. i felt as though at the time, i just wanted the comfort of my family. was that too much to ask for?

i sat on my bed staring at mine and wilbur's conversations. i wanted to call him, to tell him i was alright and i would see him soon. but i felt as though he would've reached out if he wanted to know. i ran my fingers along my biceps feeling the bumps of scars.
you could do it again...
would it make you feel better?
is this what you're after?
shut the fuck up! why don't you?

I ended up staying with my family for two weeks. two weeks where i didn't stream. i didn't socialize, i never touched social media. and i never got a message from wilbur.
and that was probably the worst part.
did i take it too far?
now i know what you are
you hit me so hard
i saw stars
think i took it too far...
when i sold you my heart-
how'd it get so dark?
i saw stars
stars...

shit! why did i feel like this? it didn't feel new, but it felt strange. i wanted to be on the sofa again, with his hand resting on my face. wiping away my tears, and whispering in my ears.
i wanted him to do that again.

god! what am i thinking?

1043 words >:]