Feeling Blue: A Smurfs Fanfiction

Chapter Seventeen

Getting back to his mushroom he decided he didn't care anymore. His eyes were deadened and Hefty's statement wouldn't leave his mind. His shoulders were determinedly slumped forward and yet again he was wondering why he hadn't just used the poisons traditionally or refused to tell Papa what he used. That would have been the better option. Yet again his gaze landed on the letter opener. He knew that it hadn't helped before, not in the long run, but it did give fleeting moments of relief and satisfaction. He picked the letter opener up, weighing it slightly in his hand, letting it prick his finger. A drop of blood formed from the small cut, the slight sting almost relieving. It was feeling something. It was something he was in control of.

Like he had all those years ago he kept the cuts to where they would be hidden by his clothes. There were still scars from before, some faint and the ones that had been deeper more apparent. He ended up with three new cuts, and then the weight of what he had done sank in. Tears built up in his eyes and sobs ripped their way out if his throat. The letter opener fell to the ground and the sobs kept coming. He had broken another promise to himself and the worst part of it is that the relapse had felt good. He doubted that he wouldn't do it again and that was scary. The gleam of the blade was dulled from the results of this and it was taunting him from the corner of his eye.

He forced himself to breathe and wiped his glasses that were fogged up from the crying. He rubbed his eyes and inhaled slowly. Inhale. Exhale. It's going to be fine. Brainy picked up the letter opener and went to the bathroom, running it under water until it was free of blood. He then got out his first aid kit, using antiseptic and wincing. He then wrapped it in bandage around it, making sure it wasn't noticeable under the clothes. He doubted anysmurf would care if he hurt himself since they hurt him but he didn't want more mockery. If Hefty found out he would probably have a field day of comments. He sighed, heading back to the room and making sure there were no droplets of blood. It was still early but the crying had worn him out so he went to his bed, curling in a small ball hugging his pillow. Don't cry again. Don't cry again. The tears began to run down his cheeks.

They were near silent this time, the occasional sob muffled by the pillow. Why couldn't he sleep? He was tired but his thoughts kept him awake and the crying wouldn't stop.

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His thoughts wouldn't stop tormenting him. He ended up with maybe two hours asleep and by 5am he had given up. He got up out of bed, pushing his glasses on and decided to get some air. No one would be up and even if they were it was early and dark enough that he could avoid detection from smurfs who hated him.

He opened the door, shivering against the violently cold breeze, a few snowflakes landed on his shoulders and his breath was visible on the air. He didn't want to waste his time locating his scarf and warmer hat however so shut the door behind him. The snow was already nearly foot-deep and the ground was slippery. However he found it perfect. There was a certain kind of quiet and beauty to this kind of weather. A few icicles hung from the branches of trees and each snowflake was flawless. No one was up yet and he walked away through the village, through the trees, the snow thicker in areas were the tree's branches didn't reach as high.

The wind nearly knocked him off balance several times and the snow was covering his shoulders in a thin blanket. Every time he brushed it off it off another layer would reappear. He was shivering continuously and assumed that his lower level of tolerance for the cold than most smurfs likely came from the lack of energy. Maybe I'll just freeze to death. That wouldn't be so bad. He shoved his thoughts to the side. He came out here to calm down, not to dwell on his usual thoughts.

He must have been out for a while: after a while the sun was high enough to see clearly. He was shivering even more and his glasses kept frosting over. His fingers were starting to go numb but he didn't want to return to the village yet.
"Brainy! Hey!" a voice called. So much for being alone...At least the company was somesmurf who was confusingly nice.
"Hi Gutsy," he replied, glancing at the other smurf who was wearing a scarf that matched his kilt and sash.
"You should have a scarf or something," Gutsy said, approaching. "You're freezing!"
"I'm fine," Brainy said, wrapping his arms around himself to try concealing some of the shivering. Gutsy lightly touched his shoulder.
"You literally feel like ice," Gutsy said with an eye roll. He took off his scarf and put it around the smaller bespeckled smurf. "Better?"

"You'll be cold now though," Brainy said but the warmth of the scarf was visibly helping.
"Not as cold as you, laddie," Gutsy said with a note of amusement. Then frowned as he noticed the patchwork of bruises covering the other's arms. "What happened?" Brainy didn't answer. "Hefty. That smurfing idiot! I have half a mind to-"
"Please don't do anything." Brainy's quiet plea disrupted his train of thought and ideas of violent payback on Hefty. "It only makes him more angry."
"He can't keep treating you like this, Brainy," Gutsy said, decidedly calmer. "You don't deserve it." Brainy, again, was silent. "You know that, right?"
"If you say so," Brainy said, quietly.
"Come on, let's go get breakfast laddie," he said. "You look like you need it." He took in the still slightly shivering figure and the large shadows under his eyes. "I think Baker Smurf made some smurfberry muffins for breakfast."

Brainy reluctantly followed him, not wanting to be around everysmurf else. On the other hand he really wanted a smurfberry muffin and doubted that Gutsy would take 'no' for an answer.
"How long have you been out?" Gutsy asked, trying to make light conversation.
"A while," Brainy replied. "Since it was still dark when I left and it's light now."
"No wonder you were so cold!" Gutsy scolded, crossing his arms. "Do you have any regard for your own health?"
"I made an anti-smurf formula filled with possibly poisonous ingredients in the middle of nowhere so if something went wrong there would be nothing to do about it," Brainy replied, bluntly. Gutsy scrambled to think of a response. The bespeckled smurf had a point but it was one that Gutsy didn't like thinking about.

They finally arrived back to the village, Brainy as usual deflating under the weight of the amount of scowls sent his way.
"Just ignore them," Gutsy said, quietly. "They'll come around." Brainy doubted it. He couldn't remember a time where he belonged in the village or had other smurfs 'come round' to liking him. If anything he had come round to everysmurf's mindset. Majority rules.

They went into the dining area, sitting at their usual table. Brainy had a smurfberry muffin and glass of water. Gutsy had some oatmeal, a muffin and coffee.
"Not very hungry?" he asked, looking at Brainy's smaller portion.
"Not really," Brainy said with a lose shrug.
"Doing anything today?" Gutsy kept trying to make small talk, hoping he would be able to get through to the other smurf or cheer him up at least a little. A headshake. "Feel like going ice skating?" He noticed Brainy's hesitation. "We can go to one of the quieter ponds if you don't want too much company?"
"Okay," Brainy agreed. Gutsy grinned.
"Let's go get some skates," he said, cheerfully. "When did you last go skating?"
"Years ago," Brainy replied with a loose shrug.

That surprised Gutsy.
"You were always really good at it though," he commented. "What made you stop?"
"I was good at it?" Brainy asked, surprised at the compliment he still wasn't used to acquiring.
"Obviously," Gutsy replied with a grin. "Come on, let's go!" Brainy smiled slightly at the almost contagious enthusiasm and followed the enthusiastic smurf back outside. "We'll get your scarf on the way."

Before long they were by one of the quieter lakes, Brainy throwing a few pebbles onto the ice to make sure it was thick enough without cracking. They put on their skates and headed onto the lake. Brainy was balancing pretty well despite his lack of practice. Gutsy, on the other hand, could barely stand without wobbling and would have fallen onto the hard ice if it wasn't for Brainy steadying him.
"I've never been too good at this," Gutsy admitted, wobbling again. "A little help?"
"Sure," Brainy agreed, letting Gutsy take his hands. He slowly skated backwards so Gutsy could skate forwards. Snowflakes continued to fall around them and the rare emotion of calmness filled the brainiac.