Remember, Everything Will Be Alright

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30 October 2019

"Congratulations!" Louis said, raising his beer in the air and waiting for Phil to bring the spout of his bottle to his to cheers. When he finally did, and the resounding clink of glass filled the room, they both took a swig of their drinks, Louis letting up on his far sooner than Phil had. "Don't drown yourself."

Phil released the top of the bottle from around his lips and held it at his chest, catching his breath.

"You don't seem very excited," Louis said.

"I mean," Phil muttered as he wiped his lips clean, "I couldn't be happier that Dan's pregnant again. It's just bittersweet, you know. The doctors couldn't figure out if we lost the first baby because of its genetics or what, so there's no way to tell if it's going to happen again."

Louis groaned in sympathetic frustration, letting the anxiety he felt as the result of nicotine withdrawal take ahold of his right leg. He bounced it on the tips of his toes. "But what are the odds th—"

"About 2%," Phil cut in.

"Right." Louis took another sip. He didn't know why he underestimated the data analyst's knowledge in the realm of numbers. He brought his hands to the sides of his head to quell the headache his brain-fog had caused.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked.

Louis nodded. "Harry's been asking me to quit smoking since we got pregnant. I've never smoked indoors, but he doesn't like the ash on me clothes."

"Secondhand smoke is no joke," Phil said.

They both chuckled at the rhyme.

"I need to get that printed on a t-shirt for you so every time you feel like having a cigarette, you can just look down and remember your goal."

"Right?" Louis asked, standing up and sitting right back down to adjust his posture. "Smoking's a hard habit to break, d'you know what I mean? It feels like there's a balloon in me head, and I can't stop shaking. And every few days I give in, and the cycle repeats. Ultimately, though, I know that I don't want all that mess around me baby, d'you know what I mean."

Phil nodded.

"So, how's he doing? Feeling alright? Is everything well?"

"I mean it's gone by the book so far. Nothing can really happen this early on. He's still so small." Phil conjured the image of Harry in his head, whom he had seen earlier that afternoon, for comparison. Three weeks into his second trimester, Harry was still in denial that his clothes no longer fit. Overnight, it seemed, the tight core that Harry had enjoyed those first three months had been hidden under all of the weight he had gained from his fruit binges. It frustrated him that his increased metabolism could no longer keep up with his appetite once he wasn't sick all the time. Phil longed to see Dan as big as Harry.

"That's good!" Louis said. "No complications."

"There weren't any complications last time, either. So we're just taking it day by day, you know?"

Louis nodded solemnly.

The second time around, Phil's perspective had changed. Regardless of the trouble they had gone through to get there, Phil was thrilled at the news of Dan's second pregnancy; maybe even more than thrilled, having gained a richer perspective into the fragility of life after their loss. This time around, Phil wanted to feel everything that Dan felt. When Dan started getting sick, he would be right there beside him with a bin. If Dan was tired, Phil planned on making time to nap with him. The day that Dan felt the first flutter of movement, Phil wanted his hand pressed against Dan's skin. He didn't plan on taking a second of this pregnancy for granted. To do that, he needed the clearest mind he could manage; and in that moment, that meant venting to Louis about everything he had been keeping to himself.