Belong

Tis' the season to be Jolly

It's almost December now, the crisp glacial atmosphere squalls against my skin rapidly like prickling of needles. It's becoming unbearable to tolerate and my fingers throb achingly as I clench and unclench them, trying to keep the feeling in its tips. My sore eyes squint and flicker with every step I take to drag myself forward across the soggy pavement, by now I'm opposed to the enormous gusts of breeze; attacking me viciously in brief moments.

I slightly raise my head arduously to examine my surroundings and come to see rows of cramped houses all heavily adorned with flashing LED lights and glimmering accessories hung up onto their doors. All of the houses except mine. I shouldn't be surprised to see all this, it happens every year but it manages to awe me inevitably every goddamn time. As a south asian British Muzzie I can definitely say Christmas is the most lively time of year- actually I shouldn't say that but I guess you'll understand what I mean. The fragrance of warm roast dinners,crackers, sounds of laughter and Christmas carols-damn those catchy tunes-but this year is different. It doesn't feel the same as last year and I'm unsure why. Well the thing I said earlier about the decor is complete bullshit. I mean it's almost Christmas and some of the houses still have decorations from Halloween last year.

If I'm being completely honest all of it seems utterly depressing and gloomy, my stomach is now pitching and whirling. The dynamics of these circumstances are distressing me or so it seems. There's no contentment or thrill of feeling enjoyment. Strictly declaring, change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck in a place where you feel you don't belong. It's a shame really, I was genuinely looking forward to letting loose for a while at least.

People resist change as they're afraid of losing something valuable to them or they're in fear of not being able to adapt to new ways. Isn't life all about change and moving on? So why can't I let things go and let fate take its control? The whole Christmas shenanigan isn't what's bothering me, it's the misery etched onto people's faces. People are letting go of the things that make them feel euphoric, almost as though they themselves are disappearing into their messes. I guess I could certainly say that seeing others happy is what makes me happy- but like they all say- "you can't fill another persons cup if you don't fill your own first" or "you can't help others unless you help yourself first". It really is more complicated than it seems. This is why I'm so grateful for him.