running from the past

chapter 10

These past few days have been really rough lately. Bsf has been busy and so has Corey. I had to take off work because of it and I've been in my car not being able to shower. I felt horrible about myself. I decided to drive to a public pool then shower there. It was open so I kept my bikini on.
Little girl: Mommy, look how skinny that girl is
I kinda froze as I continued washing my hair.
The mom: Well maybe she doesn't eat enough vegetables.
I thought to myself if that was a good or bad thing to say.
A few minutes after- it was silent. So I looked around then started to sing "hallelujah"
Around the main chorus another voice joined in. It was a beautiful lady that looked about 40.
Lady: Your voice sounded wonderful honey! You should keep singing.
Yn: Oh no that's okay. I was just about to leave
Lady: You're very pretty, go win ya a man with that voice mama.
Yn: *chuckles* I actually have one
Lady: Do you! Well good for him
I laughed
Lady: *under breath* I guess that was the last of it...
I looked over to see her struggling with her shampoo.
Yn: Excuse me Ma'am?
Lady: Yes honey?
Yn: Take my shampoo *hands to her*
Lady: Awe bless your heart darlin'. You made my day.
Yn: Of course. Keep it, I have some more at home *smiles*
Lady: Thank you honey, I needed it. Have a great day.
Yn: You too

I knew I had money to buy shampoo so I might as well give it to someone who looks like they needed it. After I changed into my clothes I went back to my car and drove to Bsf's apartment and parked my car in her driveway because I knew that she wouldn't be home. Hours passed and I started to feel more depressed as the days went on without no one to talk to. Soon enough I started crying until the point where my emotions grew numb. I kept thinking back to my home life and the conditions that I am living in. I couldn't think about the positive without bringing myself down somehow about it.
⚠️Trigger Warning⚠️
At this point I didn't care anymore. I needed to let the pain out. Something that I haven't done in years. I searched around until I found scissors. I held them firmly in my hand as I stroked it along my forearm. It left small scratches at first until I made it go deeper to draw blood. It stung but it cleared my mind. I made it to the point where both of my forearms where covers with red puffy lines. Blood coming out from my scars.
⚠️End⚠️
I sat there silent for what felt like hours but was only a minute or two. I can't believe I had done it again. After years clean of self harm. Tonight broke my streak. At this point I couldn't feel anymore disappointed so I let it go.

Although Corey was busy, I called him a few hours after. When I started to feel even worse.

Corey: *answers* Heyy Yn!
Yn: hey Corey.
Corey: Oh- are you okay?
Yn: that's what I wanted to talk to you about. *tears up*
Corey: here give me one second okay?
Yn: Okay.
Corey: *talking to the boys* hey I'll be back in a few minutes
Sam: Okay dude, take your time.
A few seconds pass then i hear a door close.
Corey: Hey, what's going on kiddo?
Yn: well. I know obviously you can't help it but I haven't been anywhere in almost a week. My friend hasn't been home either. So I was wondering when you'll be back home?
Corey: I'm sorry Yn. I'll be home tomorrow so I'll call you when I get home. Actually I'll text you because it will probably be early.
Yn: thank you Corey. I really wish that you don't have to do this for me all of the time.
Corey: Yn, if I am helping you. I don't care, it doesn't bother me one bit. I am very glad that you called me.
Yn: thank you. *grins softly*
Corey: Anytime. Is there anything you want to talk about before I get back.
Yn: Umm, no that's okay. I'll let you get back.
Corey: Okay sweetie. I love you.
Yn: *blushes* I love you too Corey
Corey: *smiles* Okay I'll see you tomorrow
Yn: Bye. *hangs up*

I sigh of relief. I know that it is too early for Corey to really love me as a friend or anything else, well I believe so anyway. but it makes me feel good when he tells me that he loves me. I went to bed so that away it could be tomorrow already.