Your Way Out

Fourth Day

Three days past. Three sleepless nights. The clock mocked me with its reserved ticking. From dawn to dusk I sat in my room. It felt like high school all over again. I browsed the internet for something of interest to distract me from my loneliness. I read some books and painted Persephone. Golden juices trickling from a freshly bit pomegranate down her black arm. A look of beautiful desire on her face. Eyes closed in ecstasy as she swallowed the tart seeds. Motivation to complete the project was fleeting. Every sunset, it dwindled a little more.

Once a day, I received a face-to-face interview with Dr. Banner. A wellness check. He'd wait to be invited in and sit with his clipboard, reading from a medical script. "Have you experienced any suicidal thoughts or action within the last 24 hours?" He'd check off the "no" response and carry on, "Any thoughts of hopelessness, like you feel the world would be better off without you?" Another "no" for the record. The questions always felt the same, just different wording. This was my only interaction with another human being. It was my own fault. Dr. Banner was kind enough to try and hold a conversation with me, but I didn't have the energy to speak. He'd comment on my artwork, but I could only shrug and say, "thank you" in a monotone voice.

Then he'd leave, advising me to get out and explore Avenger's Tower. Get some exercise and fresh air. Then I'd be alone again.

For three nights, I crawled into bed. I'd close my eyes, but my mind refused to rest. My body refused to relax. My mind was a cloudy storm, refusing to process the events that passed. They just circled the track like a greyhound. A never-ending race.

I curled up in bed, holding my knees to my chest. I couldn't stop shaking. It felt like my bones were trying to escape its fleshy prison. My skin felt tight around my muscles. Veins rattling with unseen energy as an imaginary drum thumped against my skull. It was agony. The last three days have been a fun mixture of different Hells all converging within me. Was it just me? Was it manifesting from elsewhere? I no longer had the clearance to find out. I sank deeper into my blanket pit feeling useless. It killed me to think of what they were doing to Loki. Were they torturing him? Is that why it felt like my insides were being spun in a blender? Was he just sitting comfortably in bed? Bored out of his mind like me? Did he miss me?

If I could just sleep. Just one dream. Then I could see him and make sure he was okay. I buried my face into my pillow. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, soaking through the fabric. I couldn't stop the sharp jolts from churning my insides. I couldn't stop the worry from burning through my supply of happiness. I just couldn't stop.

Another night where I didn't succumb to sleep. The pale light of morning spilled into my room with dim purple and blues. The sun just barely overcoming the dark night sky as autumn waned. Day four.

It was strange having a whole day to myself and no motivation to fill it. I just wanted to stay in bed, but Dr. Banner advised me to leave my room. Honestly, I was scared of what might happen if I didn't listen. I didn't know how much authority he had here, and I wasn't about to risk my job just to spite him.

How long had it been since I had a real meal? My desk was littered with granola bar wrappers and bottled water. My stomach growled angrily. I took it as a sign. I ventured to the cafeteria in S.H.I.E.L.D. sweatpants and a matching blue hoodie, hood pulled up, of course. I grabbed myself a bowl, a mini box of sugary cereal, and a small carton of milk before finding an empty seat. I consumed at least three spoonful of rainbow circles before Dr. Banner roamed my way.

"Just the woman I was looking for. Mind if I sit?" he asked carrying a bowl of oatmeal and fruit.

Charmed by his meek smile, I gestured for him to take the chair across from me. I lost the hood out of respect. I didn't try to hide my misery. I poked around the bowl, scooting loops around like little pool floaties, watching them bump into each other.