American Impostor

Vulnerable

Nakhon Pathom Central Prison. April 2019

"Can I tell you something?" Walter asks me.

"Sure."

We're sat on the floor in our room, shirtless, blue blankets underneath. It's uncomfortably warm. There's around 156 people crammed into our room today, which is nearing the all-time high of 170, at least according to Matthieu. The other inmates are murmuring as a Thai soap opera plays overhead on a CRTV.

Since we're taller, we've been moved to the edge of the room so we don't block the other prisoners' view of the soap opera. The edges are not ideal as sometimes cockroaches and ants wander in through the barred windows lining the walls, especially if they haven't sprayed the prison down with DDT in a while. Usually a line of powdered detergent is deployed along the edges as a countermeasure but this doesn't always work: Every so often a brave cockroach makes it through and there's some excited yelling and jumping as it makes its way through the room.

I don't speak much Thai at this point but from what I can gather the soap opera we're watching seems a little insane– The protagonist of the soap opera is a reincarnation of a man that had raped two servant women during colonial era Thailand, and their ghosts are haunting him as he shoots a movie at the same manor that they had all lived in during his past life, though one ghost is more vengeful and the other is trying to protect the protagonist, who is totally not a rapist in this incarnation, which is signified by the fact that he doesn't have a porno 'stache like his colonial predecessor. I think. I don't speak Thai at this point.

Walter speaks to me in his usual manner, too proper for how long we've been talking to each other:

"I was reading When Panic Attacks and it's opened my eyes on things I've done wrong in the past."

He's referring to a self-help book on anxiety my mother sent when I'd asked for books on psychology.

"Yeah?" I say. I'm not paying full attention as I'm trying to understand what the "good" ghost is trying to communicate to the reincarnated rapist.

"There's this example of a guy who is perfect at his job but he's worried his co-workers will judge him when he makes mistakes. It gives him a lot of anxiety and he always feels nervous around them. David Burns tells him to admit to his co-workers that he makes mistakes and has problems and not only does it help his anxiety, his co-workers like him more after."

"Yeah, I remember reading that," I tell him. "Were you like that?"

"This is exactly like me. I am very closed to other people because I'm afraid they will judge me. But I see now that this is incorrect."

"Yeah, I read something similar when I was reading seduction forums. No one is perfect. People actually like you more when you show that you're vulnerable sometimes, when you express emotions they can relate to. I mean you shouldn't be oversharing your vulnerabilities with people you've just met, but it doesn't help to be so closed off."

"I recognize this in you too, and I think you were well-liked in IDC because of this. Michael, can I be vulnerable to you?" Walter asks me.

I laugh. "Sure man."

"I've never told any of my adult friends this, but I grew up very poor. I am from a small village in Henan province. I tell people though that I am from the city, because I am afraid they will look down on me," he says. He's focused when he says this, as if this is a difficult endeavor for him.

"I mean, I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of, at least by my culture. In fact, it's very admirable you are where you are from some humble beginnings," I tell him. "I mean, where you were. I mean not prison." I laugh.