Chisscember - 2021

day 1 - thrawn

The Weight Of My Own Actions

"I await your arrival, and make no mistake. Come alone. If you attempt any heroics, I will resume the bombardment and destroy your city. And then your friends."

The hologram transmission terminated with a silent beep, and Thrawn couldn't do anything but stare out the Chimaera's window in front of him.

On the other side of the glass was a Lothal.

Lothal with all of its unique buildings, its beautiful sights, its life, its energy, its spirit, and... Lothal with its people.

All the innocent civilians.

Innocent...

"Sir," he heard the voice of a woman, which immediately dragged him out of his maze of thoughts. "Should we prepare for the arrival of the prisoner?"

He turned around to face the officer, who was courteously looking up at him. Thrawn stole a second to take a look at her face.

Her eyebrows are slightly raised, eyes widened a bit more than typically. Her head is tilted to the left, while she's constantly making tiny movements, like putting her weight from one leg to the other. She is attempting to keep a straight face, but she's certainly struggling with it. Trying to disguise her emotions, but she knows the meaning of the previous conversation, therefore she is curious and a bit excited about the outcome of it all.

But she's not something I can focus on in the current situation.

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. Commander," he exclaimed, "you have the bridge. I have... matters to attend to," he said as he left the bridge. "I will be in my office. Do not disturb me."

He could hear the voices, he could hear the whispering, he could sense that people did not understand his sudden behavior that was so different from the "ordinary", the one people were so used to.

For a moment he thought about a special person.

Eli Vanto would have understood it. He knew him well enough to notice the slightest change in his tone, his expressions, his usage of words, his movement, everything. And he wouldn't just notice it, no, he would recognize the reasons, he would recognize why he was acting this certain way. And he would politely ask because he wouldn't be self-confident enough to trust his intuitions, and then Thrawn would explain to him, while noting in himself that the polite tone was unnecessary, but he wouldn't say it out loud, because someone might hear him.

But as the door closed behind him, something new took over his mind.

Some certain things were rather rare in Thrawn's everydays, but rare didn't mean they could never happen. For the first time in a while, Thrawn doubted his own thoughts.

Would Vanto really be that understanding? Or would he be bitter and outraged?

He would raise his voice at Thrawn and tell him what he already knew. Thrawn thought he was going insane, as he could almost hear Vanto's voice in his head, just like he was standing there next to him in the office.

"Those were innocent people, Thrawn!"

Those were innocent people.

"What did you think? Do you even know what you have done?"

What have I done?

"Do you not care about all these lives? Do they mean nothing to you?"

I'm cruel. An immoral murderer. Nothing more.

He felt his stomach drop at these words. A part of him was saying it wasn't true, that it was made up, that he didn't have a choice, that it was the only thing that he could do, but the other part was battling with it, constantly saying that he was horrible, that he was ruthless and cruel and remorseless, and that he was the worst person to ever exist for opening fire on the innocent civilians.

His own words were echoing in his head as he felt his legs give up. There was a quiet, knocking sound as his knees hit the ground harshly, and the next moment the first teardrop rolled down his cheek and hit the ground, followed by more and more. He was struggling to keep them back, though desperate at first, but when he accepted that he won't be able to, he just bent down, his forehead resting on his knees, tears evermore streaming down on his face.

At that very moment, he regretted his decision. His decision to let his aide, furthermore his friend go. His decision to send Eli Vanto to the Ascendancy. Because he might have been a great help to the Chiss, but regardless of that, he needed him now. He needed someone to stand by him, someone to help him deal with all of this, when everything seemed to be unbearable. Everyone needed a friend like this in their lives. And he sent his away.

Maybe if he hadn't done that, if Vanto would still be there, serving the Empire, it all would have been different. Maybe if he hadn't left, the outcome of the rebellion, the battles, they all would have ended differently.

Was he right when he sent him to serve the Ascendancy or had he done the biggest mistake of his life by doing so? It was the first time that Thrawn questioned this.

And he quietly swore it was the last.

Because he slowly sobered out of the hopelessness, the pain, and he knew that he might have done horrible things, he might have sent his only friend away, he might have killed hundreds of innocent people, but in minutes the prisoner, Ezra Bridger will arrive, and the fight will go on.

War makes people do unforgivable things. Some might and some might not like that.

War makes people sacrifice things. Either themselves or someone else. And either for themselves or someone else.

War makes people break promises and turn out of their skin. And people could either ignore that, or get hurt by it.

Thrawn didn't want to hurt his friend.

But Eli Vanto was gone, after all.