Ourselves and Our Posterity

Chapter 14

Grimm Pov

I sink to the ground as soon as the door shuts behind her. I'd been tempted to come out of my hiding place when she'd looked over her shoulder. I couldn't though. I couldn't ruin it again. I had to find a way to undo what I'd done not make it worse.

What had I done? I sink to the ground as the memories I had shut away come bubbling to the surface. Even hell lacks a place for a man as vile as me. Maybe this moment is a taste of torment waiting for me down below. I read that the devil resides in the deepest pit, frozen in some lake. Does he feel this too? Is he drowning down there just like I am?

I forced my mark on her. How could I do that? I remember when I was a younger man fantasizing about how I would do it. All those tantalizing thoughts of finding my mate and I'd never considered such a thing. I wanted her to feel good when I did it. I wanted her to moan and beg for my mark. I'd dreamed of teasing her, slowly working up to it.

That special moment would never happen now. I'd never see that pleasured daze in her eyes or blush on her cheeks. I wouldn't get to hold her after and whisper my love to her. It was gone forever.

I humiliated her at that party. I'd publicly degraded my Luna in front of her pack for committing such a sin as finding me. I should have taken her into my arms and crowed for all to hear about how I had found my mate. Instead, I beat her down, making an example of her.

That wasn't the only worst time I'd publicly degraded her. Raúl and Louisa had met her before. They met her when I dragged her through a field of corpses and used her body to show what I thought was power. I not only showed those Alphas and all my men my mate's body, I'd touched her too.

Holy fuck, it hits me. I raped my mate. I don't even know how many times I had done it. How many times do you have to do that to someone for it to all blur together? I made her beg me to do it too. I made her beg me to ruin her and, she had done it. She'd done it because I had done worse to her.

I'd done worse to so many people. When did my omegas start hiding from me? These were the people who had raised me when my parents were so often away. They'd had never been treated as lowly or disposable before.

That woman I sent to help my mate with her makeup was a concubine. When did I start keeping concubines? I was meant to save myself for my mate. Why did I hurt them too? They never did anything wrong.

I almost turned my mate into one as well. I remember threatening and being perfectly willing to have the men of my army take turns with my mate. Thank God I at least didn't do that.

But, I did force her to do drugs. My precious mate shouldn't even know drugs exist as far as I'm concerned. I'm supposed to make her happy. Images flash through my mind of her covered in sweat and vomit. Even that couldn't deter me from hurting her.

The ballroom echos a scream back at me. It is my bouncing off the walls to mock me. It is a scream pleading with time to undo what I had done. So badly do I wish to scream at myself to leave her alone if I couldn't be bothered to love her. It is a scream at my younger self drinking the blood.

My father had died before I could ascend the throne. He was meant to rule for another few years. I wasn't old enough to be Alpha. I was a child who'd never tasted the wisdom of my elders. My pack was doubtful of me and that doubt had turned to fear for their futures. That fear was dangerous. My people were a powder keg. I needed to put them at ease somehow.

When my father's body came he'd been dead for three days and my mother had followed him into the grave only hours after.

I couldn't change my youth but, I could still take the wisdom. Normally it was only meant to be a few drops from a living Alpha but, these were desperate times. I had to prove myself by any means necessary. I was a fool and my people were right to worry. Instead of being ruled by a child, my people were ruled by a madman. The blood had commanded my every action and those actions commanded them.