𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐋𝐃

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟺 - 𝙵𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍

Draco Malfoy

I wish I had felt glorious that day. I wish I had felt like a spartan hoplite after winning the Peloponnesian war after 27 years of fights, battle, misery and devotion. I wish I had felt like a child who just got his first animal or like a wizard who just created a new spell.

But I didn't feel like a hoplite, or like a child, nor did I feel like a successful wizard. I felt like I felt for the last few months, but the guilt and the shame were amplified. It was April 24th and I hadn't had a good sleep in weeks. All I did was get myself into the Room of Requirement late at night, get myself out in the early morning, go to classes I didn't pay much attention to, too busy trying to not pass out, due to the lack of sleep and food I got myself into.

I was jumping between being a would-be criminal to being a mediocre student and I couldn't find a way to perfect myself in either of these two roles. I was mediocre, as a friend, as a brother, as a boyfriend and as a son. I was trying my best and failing at everything.

Every murder attempt, Hecie and I, tried on the headmaster failed. The enchanted necklace, the poison beverage. We were out of ideas, and I needed to discuss it with her. It was almost diner time so I believed my sister was in the Great Hall.

I took my way into the messy hall, searching for Hecie's face, or Pan, or Blaise, but all I could see was a face that I haven't seen in months. A face I was craving to see again, a face that haunted me in the deep dead night. A face that was synonymous with love, betrayal and loss.

Katie Bell.

She was standing here, in front of me, in the middle of the wide room, staring at me, alive, standing on her feet.

It was a miracle, but she didn't move towards me, she couldn't and she obviously didn't remember our last meeting, neither did she remember my last words to her, or even meeting me that snowy day.

All I knew is that she was alive, but she could have been dead. I was slowly realising that she could have died that day, because of me. I wanted to take her in my arms, to tell her how sorry I was and how guilty I have felt these last few months. I wanted to tell that everything would be okay, but the last part was a lie.

Guilt, I was filled with guilt.

She was looking at me but not like she used to when we were alone on the Quidditch Pitch. She gave me a look that was only saying one thing : she remembered.

There was pity, there was shame, mixed up with rage. All the love had disappeared in a blink of an eye. She remembered, how could she?

Potter was by her side, as always. He was turning everyone I loved against me, or was I doing it on my own ?

He seemed to realise something. My expression was betraying me and he knew I was hiding something, so did Katie's.

She leaned to him and said, "I don't remember who did this to me, Harry."

She turned back to me, once more and gave 'the look' one last time. She was lying.

Then the sweat and the breath issues striked me again, I had to leave the hall, I had to go somewhere else.

So I started to walk out, aimslessy. My steps made this music again, it wasn't melodic like the night I was on my prefect duties, and it wasn't fast and rhythmic like the day I was late for the meeting with Hecie. It was rough, it was hesitant, it was loud and quiet at the same time, it was mixed with random students' voices.

My feet were walking on their own and I arrived, without being fully conscious of how I did it, in front of the bathroom. Myrtle's bathroom. I pushed the door.